A Letter To The One God has Prepared For Me

I am wondering at this very minute
if you are thinking of me,
if you like me, maybe you too are wondering
what is taking us so long to find each other.
Many times I thought I finally found you
only to be disillusioned by the fact
that my wait has not yet ended.
I get up each morning hoping,
dreaming, longing to meet you.

I am thinking of how we will meet,
would it be as romantic
as the one I have seen in movies?
Or is it possible that I have known you all my life
but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other?
Oh how I wishyou were here right now
because you are the only one
who has the answers to all my questions.

Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known love.
I do not have the answer to that question either
but I believe that, more often than not,
we will never really know what love is
until we find that right person...
and since I have not found you yet,
then maybe I donot really know what love is!!

You just don't know how often I dream
of finally knowing what it feels
like to be in your arms.
Even at this very moment
I am imagining how youwill simply sweep me off my feet.
Perhaps I would be drawn by your smile
or your eyes,
or maybe how you manage to make me laugh
by your silly little ways!

I don't really know for sure
but I am praying that God will help me
recognize you when the right time comes.
I think of all the pains that I have gone through
in the past and of how much I have cried
since the day I began my search.

I just wanted you to know
that I find my strength in clinging into my vision
of the beautiful life ahead of me
-the life I shall spend with you.
In my mind and in myheart
I know you are worth all the pain and sacrifice.

After all,
the tears have become a part of my life
and I believe that they are slowly washing away
my flaws so that I would become perfect,
not perfect in its truest sense,
but perfect --- for YOU!

I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well.
Iwonder if you've been hurt too many times along the journey.
But mydearest one,
please don't ever give up
because I am right here...
patientlywaiting for you!
I ensure you that when we finally find each other
I would slowly heal all those wounds by my love.

At night,
I would look at my window and stare a tthe beautiful sky,
hoping that somehow you are also looking up
and wondering about me.
I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above
thinking that time they would reach you
and when I feel impatient, I
just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way
and that you are longing to see me as well.

It seems that,
for now,
that is the only place where I can hold onto you.
In my dreams you would kiss away my fears
and wrap me with your arms of love.
And all this, all the more,
makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead
with the hope that soon enough,
you will no longer be a dream
but a reality and once again
I am assured that you are worth the wait.

And when that time comes,
everything will fall into its place,
just as I had imagined,
just as I had thought and dreamed,
just as I had believed it would be!

By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through,
in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life
-and I would be very thankful because they all led me to YOU!

In the meantime,
take care of yourself for me.
Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go.
Believe in your heart that we will find each other
no matter what happens.
God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions.
Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost,
God saw to it that all the roads,
no matter which one you choose to follow,
leads to me.

good old memories

you came into my life when i was nursing a broken heart
you made me laugh with your silly antics
you argued with my nonsensical thoughts
there were a lot of things you've done and made for me
but most of all.. you became my best friend

i never ever thought that i would fell... but i did
and i did the bestest thing, i ignored you
you see, my only priority at the time was my studies
and i could not let anything nor anyone get in the way
and you did...

you've wondered why and asked our friends
and i tried really hard.. but i wasn't that strong
eventually, i came back into your arms
those were the happier days
and there i felt love

things changed and i couldn't cope up
i got busier and you were still there
i knew something's wrong
and you're hurting
so i let you go

you held on, you were there.. everywhere
it went on for a while
we held hands, we talked
i realized that everything's back to normal
and for the second time, i'd let you go

i knew this time, it was for real
so i cried
i felt real pains
but i put on a brave face
and tried to be strong

i never told you why i left our relationship
and how i turned my back from our friendship
when you got closed to someone, i felt bad
but it was a decision i never regret
you looked good together...

we left school and you kept in touch
not with me of course (i heard the other half didn't like it, i wonder why)
but my friends... our friends
they told me everything about you, you know
even if i didn't want to know

occassionally, we see each other
and you'll say hi but i was still unperturbed
i still ignored you.. i got used to it
i got numbed..
as if you didn't exist

i was sorry but i never regret anything
i loved you but it was not enough
to keep a relationship
you seemed happy with the life you chose
and that changed everything

when i heard the news, i cried
i called my friends.. our friend
i knew i was late... too late
once again, i saw you and put on a brave face
in front of your coffin... i didn't cry.

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this happened a long long time ago... a few months after his death, he said his goodbye in my dreams.

my pamangkins

this is gonna be the first time that i'll be talking about my pamangkins. except for this thread...

no, i was not avoiding it. i'm proud to be a tita... a faraway tita, i guess. but my life has too many complications that i forgot to acknowledge that im so blessed in a lot of things.

i am a tita to 7 kids. 3 (ram, rev and mary) on my eldest brother and 4 (gorby, jonas, hazel and jc) to my older brother.

ram, rev and mary are residing in NY though mary is the only citizen. they've been there a couple of years with their parents syempre and still no plans of going home as they all wanted to process their papers there. well, i guess, by the time they decided to go home, the kids could be in their teens.

isaac ephraim or ram who's nick came from his dad's name read backwards (mar) is now 7 years old. edward virgil or rev, who's name is after his lolos' on both sides and nick is my dad's name read backwards (ver) just turned 6 a few days ago. mary evangeline or ineng as they fondly called her is 2 years old. i've seen her for a couple of days when i brought her brothers to the us of a but she's just a few months old at the time. i've seen her by webcam naman most of the time and more often than her brothers. this kid is makulit and malikot, mahilig mag-inarte according to her mom.

i never had a chance to be with my 4 pamangkins on kuya alex's side. they lived overseas and i've only spent a few weeks with them since they were born. their youngest, jc, i've cradled only for a few minutes before going back here in SG where i am presently residing.

lucky are the boys of kuya mar, ram and rev. for 4 years, i was with them but it was not enough to make too many memories. they were still too young when i accompanied them to their parents in NY. now that they're 7 and 6, we didn't have any emotional bonds anymore. they forgot all those things that we did together back when we're still in pinas. however, they haven't forgotten me.. that's enough for me. they still make sumbong to me pag napapagalitan sila kahit over the net lang. they still ask me to buy them stuffs at nakikipagkulitan pa din sa phone pag nasa mood. other than that, even if i try to get in touch everyday.. i wont get to see or hear them :( aside from yelling i don't like!

there were times na they asked me when i will come and visit them. they said na they missed me pero like any typical kids, they prefer to play or watch tivo instead of talking. ram always find time to talk to me or to just say hi or wave in front of the webcam. rev will always be busy in front of the tv. and i get stucked with ineng though i know that i can only see her because she's watching some video on the internet teeheehee

some of our convesations would go like:

ram: tita, kelan ka punta dito?

tita: ikaw ram, kelan ka uwi pinas?

ram: paglaki ko natita: hinde, sunduin na kita dyan

ram: di pwede tita. kelangan kasama ko si papa, si mama, si rev at ineng paguwi ko

tita: eh bakit naman?

ram: kase family kame!!!

onga naman...

rev: tita, ibili mo ko ng power ranger toys

tita: cge, bili kita. hintayin mo

rev: gusto ko now na.. now na

tita: night na here. close na mga shops

rev: sige, tomorrow na lang

ngek!

tita: san kayo punta?

ram: mag shopping kame

tita: ibili mo ko ng bag

ram: bag na naman? puros ka na lang bag...

di naman ahh... medyo lang hehe

tita: san kayo punta?

rev: mag-mall kame

tita: buy mo ko pasalubong

rev: sige, tita.. buy kita ng bag

tita: talaga? sige

rev: oo tita, paglaki ko.. pag may work na ko..

ngek! ilang years pa yun? baka di na uso bag nun...

kuya alex's kids are all in pinas and im going home to spend days with them before the holiday. its jonas' birthday also and im really looking forward to bond with them. jonas is the sweetest kid. he always want to hang out with me kahit na busy si tita gusto nya nasa tabi ko. hazel is different. pero she's so madaldal, i enjoy every minute i spend with her..

tita: hazel, sino madaldal?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino makulit?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino matakaw?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino maganda?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino cute?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino sexy?

hazel: si tita olib!

nasa turo yan haha

im a bitch

nakakatawa pero for more than two weeks now, i've been bitching everyone... i meant, bitchy in a not-so-very-bad way.

i was just always at my wits end. siguro, ganito talaga pag may hinihintay. since, my patience is put to test here... and im not actually passing it with flying colors.. i was left with no choices. however, i stopped worrying na. i put everything to fate and mostly to God :P

back to being bitchy.. not that really i am a b-i-t-c-h... 'coz as far as i know im still your ms. goody two shoes. but then again, i wont deny that i have my fair share of being you know, bad. and of course, i was not in a position to give you details. this is my blog, so, i'll write whatever good i can about myself hehe

its just that with the worsening sits we have here in the office, i always found myself giving snide remarks to no one in particular.. and i know that even my colleagues were enjoying it...

ako, palagi na lang ako.. pag may nag-email sa kin at may ipapagawa...

hayy.. kelan kaya matatapos ang pagdurusa ko? umalis na lahat, ako na lang ang natira.. sana sa susunod ako naman..

ano ba naman yun? kung pwede nga lang ako mag-resign ng walang work ginawa ko na... kaso di naman ako pwede mag-yaya sa pinas.. at baka ako pa magpa-sweldo sa sarili ko.. hehe opps... i dont intend to do this... i may have thoughts but i cant.. kaya tyaga na lang muna sa kung ano ang meron ako

eh kung lalake na lang kaya ang hanapin ko kesa trabaho? kaya lang kung madali humanap ng lalake, sana matagal na kong nakakita? tse! loveless na nga, despair pa sa work!

dapat kung lalake ang hahanapin ko, yung mayaman na para di ko na kelangan ang mag-trabaho... eh lalake nga, wala ako makita.. yung mayaman pa kaya! ah ewan!

there are lot of things i've said na parang mga linya sa movie lang.. err lines directly taken from movies i've watched.. cant recall them now. pero after saying those, i feel ok. it's not like i was trying to be a bitch because i know in my heart i'm not. and dont take it out of context.. im the kindest bitch you can possiblly know :P

ang relasyon, bow!

ang pakikipag-relasyon , di isang laro. di pwede ang kunwarian lang. taya ka ngayon, bukas ako naman. o ang ma-inlab, talo! kumusta naman yun? di na tayo mga bata para maglaro pa. syempre pa, di ka naman papasok sa isang relasyong walang pagmamahal. dapat meron yun dahil yan ang isang malaking bahagi ng relasyon. walang mabubuong relasyon, kung di nagmamahalan ang dalawang tao.

saka dapat yung seryoso naman, yung may bukas na patutunguhan. hindi-yung-kung-ano-na-lang-ang-meron-ka-ngayon-dapat-kuntento attitude na. syempre, handa ding masaktan. lagi namang ganun at dapat kasali talaga yun. di naman pwedeng always in bliss. wala namang perpektong relasyon at ayaw ko din naman yung laging nasa honeymoon stage. di na totoo yun. babalik lang tayo sa larong relasyon.

at dapat pag pinasok mo 'to, paninidigan mo. kung di mo na kaya at nasasaktan ka na ng sobra sobra, baka panahon na para lumaya. syempre, sino ba naman ang gusto na laging nasasaktan? ayaw ko din naman yun. at kung palagi namang ganun, mas mabuti pa ang mag isa. di naman ako malungkot kung ako lang. sanay naman akong mag isa. at least, walang mananakit sa kin emotionally and physically. saka masaya din naman ako kahit mag isa lang, madami akong kaibigan. lagi akong may gimik pag friday night at weekends. pero syempre, kung may choice.. ayoko mag-isa. gusto ko may kasama pero kung ang kasama ko pala naglalaro lang, eh ibang usapan na yun.

nope, hindi kita sasabihan at wala kang maririnig sa kin. pagdating sa ganyan, di ako sanay lumaban. patas ang lahat pagdating sa pagibig pero dyan di mo ako maaasahan. magaling lang ako mangaral pero wala akong alam. pag ako na ang nilagay mo sa ganyang sitwasyon, di ako lalaban. kung tutuong pagibig, di ko na kelangang ipaglaban dahil alam ko at mararamdaman ko ang pagmamahal. pag wala na yun, wala ng laban. talo na ko. suko na. mas masakit kung lalaban pa pero sa huli alam ko naman na sa wala pa din mapupunta ang lahat.

minsan na kong dumaan sa ganitong pasakit, ayaw ko na ulit ulitin pa. sinabihan ko na ang sarili ko na magtanda na. masakit masaktan. ayaw ko ng magdaan sa ganung pasakit ulit. pero kung sa ganong paraan ko lang mararamdaman ang pagmamahal, hindi ako magdadalawang isip na muling masaktan!

bored and busy

i have a lot of things to do and my hands are full with work, however, i still feel bored. i used to say that boredom is just a state of mind. but lately, my mind is somewhere else so.. bored nga ako hehe

what to do when you're bored... i checked GT already, tried to gather some infos on how to tweak my friendster account -- gawin ko 'to tonight after ko magplantsa, mag-footscrub, magbasa ng book at makpagchat.. may time pa kaya ako matulog nito? -- see? i've got loads in my hands pero bored pa din ako.

anyway, since wala ako magawa aside tumingin sa pc ko at magpanggap na naiintindihan ko kung anuman ang ginagawa ko.. i visited my blog and read on old stuffs.

oh well, im not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. devoid of emotions pa din ata ako. pero eto lang, reading those stuffs i've written, i realized na masyado ata talaga akong nasaktan kaya i was able to write those entries. eh pag iniisip ko ngayon, san ko nahugot yung mga ganung klaseng emotions, ndi ko na ma-gets eh.. san? san? o maybe someone has written them for me.. mag-alter ego pa ba ko?! nope, that was me.

there were days na i try to reckon his face, the good memories. pero wala na ko maalala. is this some kind of selective amnesia? di naman siguro.. feelings? lalo ng wala hehe di naman ako bitter noh?! maybe after more than 2 years, resolving my own issues and accepting all my faults.. i let go, it could be my fault as much as it was his, pero.. its over now.. i've forgiven myself for being so dumb and stupid and doing a lot of things that i should have not done just for the sake of that so-called feeling of bliss.

then, what's next? im still trying to find where im destined to go. before everything happened, i knew where i was going. and its just a question of when. and then the course of the wind changed. suddenly, i found myself lost. siguro, yun na lang. up to now, im still trying to find my way back. i still feel lost pero i know in time, i will find the path that i should have taken two years ago.

now, i will try to write as often as i can. pero if writing is going to be synonymous to heartaches.. eh di wag na lang. baka di ko na kayanin pag naulit pa yun.
di din naman ako writer para magkaron ng writer's block.

baka nga siguro, busy lang..

untitled

this post has been written and rewritten but i still could not find the courage to post it. 'coz im waiting for my happy ending. unfortunately, that tiny silver lining that i have is slowly vanishing from my sight.. but i'm still holding on...

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i've written this same blog a few months ago but decided not to post for fear of getting jinxed. anyway, the fear resurfaced but i still want to talk about it.

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when i was in my elementary days, my ambition just like almost everyone i know was to become a teacher. a simple as that.

it changed when my cousin who's already working at the time, started climbing the corporate ladder. she's so successful in her chosen field that i've decided to follow into her footsteps.

by high school, i wanted to take chemical engineering. well, up to now, ate susan is still working. she's a US resident now and working at the same company. anyway, my sister who excels in chemistry, physics and sciences embarked on that same journey.. pero mas magaling pa din ako sa knya hehe

by the time i graduate, i was at loss on the course that i should take. add to it the fact that i was not sure if i was going to continue my studies. my three older siblings were also at school at the time, the family could not afford another one. i was eager to go back to school and no one or nothing can stop me, my sister gave way for a year or a sem. i enrolled and she didn't. but not in the course that i intended to take, i took up computer science because from what i remember, my father wanted one of us to take it but no one did.

and now comes the real start of my story.

on my last sem in school, i was already working part time on my professor's office. i was like a tester to a software. i was like auditing a book written in foreign language. little did i know that this job will be my career.

upon graduation, i started looking for job. i didn't know if everyone expected me to be employed first. i never asked them. maybe they weren;t, but i was. and i didn't. that was when i could not go out and meet my friends because i was jobless and they're not. how could that be right?

and then my biggest opportunity came along. i still reckon what sir joey asked me during my interview... have you ever applied to any other job? i replied yes. i had pending applications to major banks in manila. and why? because i thought that computer science graduate like me had bigger chances of being employed there and besides in the province, banks are the major establishments. up to now, i didn't know what he saw in me. but he really made a difference in my life. he gave me a career. and i stayed with the company for 6 years.

after that, i moved to metro for 10 months. i knew my team leads wanted me to extend my contract but they also knew that few months on my contract, i was already ready to go. modesty aside, i had a few options at the time.. i had job offers from r**, g** and another company. but still i decided to go on vacation for two months overseas while waiting for a better opportunity. when i came back, i already have a work.. yipee! and i vowed that im gonna be happy with this one because i've waited for it and i prayed hard for it. i was happy with the company, the culture and i was even going to the US for my training. unfortunately, i could not wait for the project to start. when a former colleague mentioned that their company is looking for a tester (this is overseas by the way), i immediately submitted my resume. i was happy with the company, alright, and i would not trade it with any other company based in the philippines. but this was one opportunity i could not pass. its overseas, man! and it was my childhood dream to work overseas and live on my own.

oh well, unfortunately.. i didn't get the job. i guess, they could not understand the way i speak hehe

or maybe, the LORD has better plans for me.. 'coz after a few weeks, i resigned and work overseas.. and up to now, im still here. struggling and making a living in a country i call my second home.

when i look back, i feel that.. career wise, i am lucky. i never had a rest from work without my consent for the past ten years that i've been communicating with my desktop. however, something's still missing. and im trying to find that jigsaw piece to complete the puzzle.
a few months ago, everything in our project team is going downward. maybe its not few months, maybe its been years.. but now, we can totally feel it. everyone's leaving. i've thought about leaving too, before anyone else did. however, i am still here. what happened in those times.. read on..

almost a year after landing here, i got to experience a lot of things. i feel like a slave and of course, it didn't make me happy. when a colleague moved on and some of her works were given to me. i did the most illogical thing to do. maybe, out of hatred or desperation with my situation, i applied for a job and got offered. well, of course i was so glad. i did not really think that that's gonna be easy. i was no longer marketable and confident when it comes to this field. however happy i was and the offer tempting, i decided to stick due to monetary and contract reasons.

i stick to where i am and up to now, just like i said, im still here. stucked.

last year, i forwarded my resume to a friend overseas thinking that maybe its time to move on and move out of a place i once called prison, i got a chance to prove my worth and unfortunately, GOD has other plans for me. so even if i really like that job, that place, that company.. i didn't continue pursuing it. but my friend didn't give up. last july, i got a call from them again. they told me tat i will hear from them after a week, but i didn't even after sending them an email asking for updates. well, i move on again. but still, i didn't look for other opportunities.

after almost three months, i decided finally.. that i have to seriously look for a job. i updated my resume. forwarded it to some consulting firms and to my friend. i didn't have to wait for long and i got a call from all of them. the first one, the overseas job who i though was just scheduling me for another set of techies. but to my surprise, it was a final interview already over video. not just the normal, video that we.. online people used to do ha.. they contacted a third party firm for this one. the first schedule was rescheduled. the second one was cancelled. eventually, it pushed through. dont ask me how it went. 'coz thats the part i hated the most.

anyway, up to now after more than a wk, im still waiting for their updates.

my silver lining, last tuesday my friend asked the hr for any updates. they said " did well on her vtc and we're dealing with some formalities at the minute. i really cant discuss at present, but we'll be in touch with her soon."

they said that they're going to contact me but its more than a week now and i haven't heard ni-ha ni-ho from them :(

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anyway, im gonna wait.. i waited for them a year, what's another week or two, right?! its just that.. the suspense is killing me..

my grand vacay

for more than 2 wks, i lived in my homeland and slept on my own bed, in my own room...

i spent time with my family, playing with my nephew and niece, shopping with my mom and sister, going out with the whole family... well, ofcourse, that excludes my other brother and his family. i missed them too. but i know that they could not go home.

one thing is sure though... i will visit them.. but not sooner.. coz i want to spend some more time with the kids back home. i want them to know me the way my nephews in NY do. i want to be there for them when their parents could not. i missed them so much!

oh well.. enough with the drama.. let me tell you what i did..
- i get to experienced the flood at home for a wk.. lucky for me, its just in our kitchen and only during the morning. the water will subside by lunch time.
- i had a hair cut and new perm
- i visited churches
- dined out with family
- celebrated my bday with them
- played with my pamangkins
- shopped till i drop
- met with friends
- outing with family
- saw and cradled my day old niece on the day of my return trip.. sayang, i was not there on her binyag :(

but mostly, time was well spent with family...

going home and finding one

i wrote this last august 9, on the plane.. while on my home..

... has never been easy. and i am always looking for one.

let me tell you my story...

my family resides in the philippines. my elder brother was the first one to go and work overseas. i saw him only once every two years eversince he started working and that was in 98 or 99.

i lived with my eldest brother and his family since college days. my parents are in the province and my brother was renting an apartment in qc which is near our work. we do go home to my parents every weekend, sometimes every other weekend.

a few months after my sister went overseas, my eldest brother found an overseas job also. i got stucked in the philippines, i decided to visit my brother and his family. little did i know that they're preparing for another yet far away place to live. i remember him telling me not to pursue my plan working overseas for a while.. as my parents will be left alone.

but just a few months after they left, i found myself embarking on a journey just like them. of course, i didnt obey my brother, its just a wishful thinking and i know that he didnt mean it at the time.

that left us a scenario like this: - parents - resides in the philippines- eldest brother, wife and 3 kids - living in NY, no plans of going home yet- sister - living in ireland, with once a year vacation- elder brother, wife and 3 kids - living in dubai, with once every two years vacation- myself - living in singapore, with lots of vacation... i wished!

we're scattered around the globe. i may have seen them all last year except for the elder brother but its different when you grew up so close to each other. but that's why, they invented chatting online.. the wonders it can do to our relationships..

i am writing this on the plane.. i'm going home for vacation.. and there, i will see my parents, my sister and my elder brother and his family.


postscript

i am back here in SG and moved to a new house with the same housemates. my sister is in ireland now and my brother and his wife in dubai. however, the kids are with my parents. they will be staying there for a while. which means that i'm going back home again... sooner! yipee!

some things to blog about ..

i wrote this a month ago.. i know it's a bit late to post but i will anyway...

friends come and go... but true friends remain and stay...

last week, i have been contemplating on letting go of a friendship i had grown so attached with. i've been having some issues with a friend for quite a while now. issues that seem to resurface every now and then.. i guess, we both are. you see, we're close.. and that seems to be the problem..familiarity breeds contempt, thats what people say. and that may be true for us.

for a while, we're not talking and then we'll talk suddenly without even discussing what happened. its ok, the fist time. its ok, the second time. its even ok the third time.. but the fourth time, its hell. its like small matters become big stuffs. its tiring. so, i've decided to let go. BUT, its kinda different letting go of a friend than a boyfriend. and i found myself between letting go and holding on.

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a few days ago, my friends decided that they need to prepare something for me. it is my birthday today. and they wanted to surprise me. and surprise i was. for everyone's invited. though some we're not able to make it to the big party ever! did i just say partee?!?! there were online invites, cake, decors, singing, lotsa food and friends. the kapuso, kapamilya and kapitbahay were all there.

the party was organized by my housemates. who then contacted all my friends. maybe not all because they dont know all of them. but they tried i guess. everyone brought something, aside from the gifts ofcourse.

what's funny though was that all along i had a hint that they were trying to do something. they asked where will i be on that date and not to do anything. they asked me to hear mass with them so i wont be around at the time that the guests were arriving.

they told me that there will be a party at the house. that some officemates of one of my housemates will be there 'coz they wanted to see the house and swim. that's their reasons why they are preparing lotsa food. but now i know, they cant hide so many things from me hehe i even helped them chopped the veges, clean the house and even went with them to the grocery haha

well, aside from the occasional whispers i caught them.. it gave them away i guess. after the church, some of my friends were also at the bus stop going to house. they hopped off the bus, same stop as ours. my housemate decided that we have to make a stop at the nearest grocery while the others didn't come with us. when we arrived home, i've noticed that all the lights were off.. how could that possibly be when all the others went ahead of us.. something's fishy.. i knew then that there really was a party.

i went inside, turned on the lights.. and surprise surprise! the others were there too.. i didnt expect that so many people. i expected that all the close friends will be there, but officemates, na-da.. so, i was.. surprised after all!

i lurrve all the gifts by the way! and of course the efforts :)

on getting older

a few weeks from now and i'll be going home to the philippines to visit my family once again, some of them i haven't seen in two years. incidentally, the day that i'll be going home is the same day that i'll be celebrating my birthday.

that's something that i dont really really look forward too.. for one, i'll be on the road/air for half the day. and then, i'll be getting old. let's face it, it may just be numbers but it still adds up. i may look young but i have to act like my age, dress like my age. think like my age.

what's worse is that i have to face the nagging questions of relatives and friends about my non existent relationships. its like a time bomb waiting to explode.. with them acting as the human timers. the hell i care, right? but i do, im worried about them worrying about me because really, there is nothing to worry. i haven't find the one but it isn't my fault... i may be better of as single than be miserably in love just like people i know.

i maybe cynic and guarded when it comes to love but who can blame me. i have never met a guy who will make me think and feel otherwise. maybe when i did, it would be like flying to the moon and back to earth.. but for now, i'll keep my feet firmly on the ground.

well, going back... turning a year older when on your 30ish is a lot diferent that getting a year old when your on your 20s.. if your single, its way different and if your single with no kids, its way way way different.. now, the biological clock is ticking and the pressures to get hitched is everywhere. ayan, nabalik na naman ako sa previous topic ko... why can't i steer away from this?!

ang hirap maging adik!

i've been nursing a cough for quite a while now.. at dahil dyan, kung ano ano at sari-saring gamot na ang iniinom ko. may vitamin c, 3x a day. may cough syrup, 3x a day. may antibiotic dn. at may robitussin candy pa as frequent as i can. wala pa dyan ang isang litrong orange juice na iniinom ko sa ofc at sangkatutak na tubig. pagdating sa bahay, orange juice at sangdamakmak na tubig pa dn. lagi tuloy ako nagpupunta sa cr.

at di pa dyan natatapos ang litanya ko, nakakahiya sa ofc ang pagubo ha.. di biro yan.. malayo pa ko alam na ng mga kasama ko na parating na ko.. daig ko pa ang naka megaphone at kulang na lang matanggal ang ulo ko sa pag ubo. hayy.. kakapagod.

kahapon, habang nasa opisina, nararamdaman ko ang pag init ng katawan ko. oy! ndi naman sa nag-iinit ako ha.. init ng fever ata yun.. bsta, pagsandal ko, naramdaman ko na lang na sobrang mainit ang likod ko. kaya maghapon na lang akong di sumandal o dibah?! hanep sa logic.. bawal kase ako umuwi at kelangan ko magbawi dahil sa ang dame ko na absent at undertime last week. kelangan ko namang magpakitang gilas dis week dba? kaya ayan, kahit maysakit at malalim na ang mata ko.. trabahong walang humpay pa din..

ngayon nga andito ako sa office habang hinahangin ang mundo ko sa sangkatutak na gamot na nainom ko kanina... feeling ata nito inaalagaan ko sya kaya ayaw akong iwan! hayy...

not something to blogged about...

i've been too busy lately, i forgot to update my online journal for a long long while.. so many things happened the past few weeks. nothing major though..

i got my pr approval/card and new contract last april.. so, that means im going to stay.. for a long while here.

i had a falling out with a friend.. again. not the same with the one i blogged before. but we patched things in a mature way. no heated arguments, no discussions. nothing. we just let the bubbles fade away. hopefully, this time around, we're good.

my parents and cousin visited here. went to a few places they've never been. and they got their long time passes to stay here also. as if they would noh?

and now, i got my air tickets to go home again in august.. in time for my bday.. actually, on my bday.. so, i'll be on plane on my bday. first time! haha

oh i forgot, im sick nga pala.. but nothing to worry.. its just a simple cough.. but the simple cough is like a hika.. so, lately, ako ay isang adik!!!

i am single and i am happy

yeah, really... it may be a long while now that i haven't been in a relationship.. but the previous relationship if anyone can call it like that lasted for just a few months across the globe and over the net :D so, categorically, its not included even if i cried buckets when it lasted hehe

the truth of the matter is, even if i had 3 boyfriends, not at the same time though.. the longest relationship of which lasted 3 months, i dont know the feeling of having someone by my side.. well, aside from the blissful and kilig feeling..

dont get me wrong, i dont wanna be single for life and there were days that i also yearn for someone.. but at least, people, pls give me some respect.. i may be in my 30ish but im not in a hurry to get hitched. there are a lot of things that i want to do with my life. and getting the other half is not a part of it. not yet though. .. because im happy being single.

- i can do what i want, when i want and go where i want.
- i can decide for myself alone without considering another person's feelings.
- i wont depend on another human being to define me. self discovery and self preservation na dn.
- financially, i dont have to spend on gifts and dates.. which i dont intend to just depend on him.
- i dont have to worry about demands and lack of time which lately, i dont really have much of.
- i can sleep all i want.
- i can spend time with family and friends and most especially, myself.
- and most of all, i can independent.

but of course, in the near future, i want to see myself co-exists with another person. but right now, i dont have a space on my schedule. not yet.

i'm in love...

i never thought that i'll be happy with the way it turned out. its been 3 months already and i still feel bliss. all my efforts are worth it. my friends may or may not agree with me but the most important thing is i'm happy.

of course, there are days that i feel sad. even at the start of this relationship, i have my apprehensions. i even consulted with friends if what im doing is the right thing. kulang na lang, i conduct an online survey just so i would not commit mistakes and get hurt.

this is really a new experience for me. its been a long while since the last one. and admittedly, it brought a different kind of change in my life.. and im still looking forward to good days ahead. but one thing is sure though and i can openly say, err, write it here, i would definitely give another chance if this time i fail..

basta, im loving my curly hair.. kala mo kung ano na noh.. gotcha!

at a random

petname: names given by friends or someone close to me... ibyang tops the list, as this was the name given by my late tiyo when i was still young. then, friends in college started calling me that also.

collections:olive oyl and popeye items: i have olive oyl and popeye dolls also sweat pea back at home. now, i have an olive shirt and wallet. i wanted to buy the bag too but its quite expensive. di bale, lapit na bday ko hehepurple items: there's no doubt that this is my fave color.. if i will buy something, i will check if there's a stuck in purple.. from bag to bed sheets to comb.. no need to detail it here, its quite a lot.

accessories: yeah, i am a bag lady too.. i have a lot of earrings, from beaded to chandeliar to pearls.

books:currently, i am into paulo coelho, the undead series and the dragon-guardian series.

shows:i am in tune every monday night for the desperate housewives. waiting for prison break and heroes season 2 dvds. awaiting for the grey's anatomy and lost.. what else? im a tv addict, i confessed.

on being online:i used to be online 24/7 but as most of you know, things have changed a lot and being online has no longer been the same since then.. so, now i get online whenever i got home but not always and even if i am, i am always away haha im just updating and charging my ipod on my laptop thats why.sites i frequent: most of the time GT and just checking my emails on yahoo or gmail. i go to my blog from time to time but not often, there's not much to write lately.

regrets: syempre, meron... but i brushed them off my mind.. it will just burden me and make my life miserable, things happen for a reason.. in all the things i've done, all the mistakes i've committed; i've learned something somehow. and thats what matters.

risks: i'm not a risk taker and im afraid to go out of my comfort zones. this is my inner circle and it will take so much for me to get out of here. dont prod me, you can never be too successful...

idea of a romantic date: walking along the beach with the sun shining down on us.. hayy

dreaded questions: single ka pa? or why are you still single? or when are you getting married? question that veers to the opposite sex i supposed..friends: i have a lot of friends but quite a few close friends.. yun nga lang we're all divided by waters, far from each other ba.. pero syempre, i try to connect with them as often as possible, yun nga lang with the distance and time difference minsan ang hirap... i have friends here too.. and they made my life here in sg bearable. syempre, sila ang kasama sa gimikan at tawanan.

bad trip: just like some GTs and forumers, bad trip ako sa pbb hehe nasisira ang araw ko pag nakikita ko ang mga moments ni brendy.. not bec naiinggit.. ang oa lang nila kase.. kaya please lang, sana ma-evict na sila. they are so lucky they were given a chance na ma-mention sa blog ko.. hayy...

random qstn of the day:why there are only 24 hrs in a day? there are days that it isn't enough. esp lately that i've been busy at work. when i get home, i only have a few hours to spare.. and i need to do so many things pa.. watch tv, bond with my housemates, sometimes cook dinner or do the laundry or iron my clothes and if i go online, i have to talk to my pamangkins/sis in law and friends and read my book pa.. by the time, sleeps come near me, umaga na.. hayy

important: syempre, family comes first... though we're separated by time and distance, it doesnt matter as long as we're all ok. love you mommy, daddy! and im looking forward to seeing you here. syempre, same goes with my siblings.. im so excited to see you all this year.

sacrifices: ay madame, in the name of love.. for my family. though, im also doing this for myself, iba nga naman ang nagagawa if i'll be earning more. saka it has been my dream talaga to work abroad at magpa-alila sa mga dayuhan haha

on the other side of love, syempre meron din.. though im not sure if it can be called as such. lets just say that there are things i did because of love pero as i've said earlier, i dont have any regrets. when you're in love, you do things foolishly haha

on why i have a blog: actually, i have blogs. before i created a blogger acct, i have msn space.. but there's not much security there i guess. besides, now im living a double life.. i dont want my friends to know what im writing. ok lang ang strangers, they dont know me naman. going back, i've created this as an outlet of all my thoughts.. otherwise, i might explode from too much emotions. as you can read, the first items on my blog were all abt heartaches.. eh tingin ko nagsawa na mga friendships listening to my complains, kaya sinulat ko na lang.

i know i know.. im not a good writer. but there's no harm in trying.. wala naman siguro magrereklamo at hindi naman 'to presinto hehe

on writing

why do i write when i feel bad? is this my curse? i want to write when i am filled with joy too.. but sadly, i was never happy lately.

i should have written this a wk ago. i had a falling out with a friend. actually, i just decided that i dont want to talk to him anymore for fear of hurting him. i hope he's ok now. i dont want to dwell on it, on him. im just not ready for anything yet. sometimes, i just want to be alone and have time for myself.

when love is gone?

when love is gone?
do you look for it?
or are you one of the few who waits for it?
gazing upon the stars, wishing for it?

when love is gone?
how do you deal with it?
how do you survive? how do you live?
how do you confront and face each day?

when love is gone?
how do you keep on smiling?
how do you appreciate life's beauty?
how do you keep yourself from falling apart?

when love is gone?
where do you find strength?
do you hide or runaway?
from who? to where?

when you found love?
do you embrace it?
keep it? nurture it?
kill it? or fear it?

or does it truly go away?
or it's just there, hidden?]
because you're too afraid to fall
or to get hurt again?

Ten

... days away from work back in my parents home, inhaling the polluted air in PH, listening to my ipod while waiting for the traffic to subside, taking a bath in cold water :( -- this is worst... its good to be home after all.

Day 1 - departed SG, arrived in Clark around 340pm. Went to SM Pampanga and had my first burst of shopping, bought blouses, toiletries and groceries for my parents. Had dinner in Chowking -- lomi and halo halo (di bagay noh?)

At home, after unpacking and distributing my pasalubongs, I checked my package from NY -- will create a separate entry for this,


Day 2 - went to David's Salon for my most awaited perm. I had longed for this day, however, the curls didn't tuned out the way I had wished it would be but I like it anyway.

The day was not done, went to SM North and bought some stuffs for my pamangkins, had a late lunch at Jollibee -- spaghetti and macaroni salad, and then off to greenhills for some more shopping. It's a little bit pricey now.


Day 3- went to Batangas to visit my cousins and ate ems -- my sis in law's friend and to give her some items to bring to US for my pamangkins. Well, these some items turned out to be less than 10kgs tee hee hee

Ohh, I got new package again..


Day 4 - went to Manaoag for the very obvious reason -- to hear mass, This is my panata eversince.


Day 5 - went to my dentist for my annual cleaning and then off to Shangrila Edsa to meet Ed and Beth -- I so missed this girl, este, woman pala. She was my ofcmate and a close friend. She's in Manila for a vacay too and this was the first time we see each other since 2003. We had dinner then off to Market Market and then we had a joyride. It was really fun and I enjoyed the night.

Sorry, I was late.. We almost did not see each other and it's my fault. Buti na lang, we adjusted the time and the place. It was worth the long travel..


Day 6 - went to David's again for my hot oil. I asked for a retouch of my curls but then the persons who did it were on day off. Too bad!

After that, went to Glorietta to meet my college friends. We had dinner in Pancake house then went home.. Kakapagod ang mag-commute.


Day 7 -went to David's again.. Kakapagod din ang magpabalik-balik ha. But then when they are doing my curls for the second time, I changed my mind. I decided that I can live with my curls and doing it the second time might just ruin it, so I had a haircut instead. But just an inch and a half, the locks are still there.

Went home and finally, I get to rest and make chika with my cousin and a friend.


Day 8 - back on the road again. Met Big Bro in Grand Central -- di talaga ko marunong pumunta dyan --

Then off to Tandang Sora to visit my cousins and then to Galleria to meet my previous officemates. We had dinner at Max's but prior to that, I shopped hehe


Day 9 - Finally, finally.. stayed at home the whole day. Had my nails done and packed my things...


Day 10 - went to see my college friends again -- Jhen, Meng, Mitch and Chelle minus Ruby.. Chelle just arrived from the US and she's the reason why I had to reschedule my return trip hehe Na-miss kita Ocheng.. Libre mo ko Airfare papunta Redmond ha Too bad I was not able to see your cute kid, si Meng kse tee hee hee

We had lunch in Burgoo, footspa/facials then a halo-halo/pansit palabok snack.

Syempre, through all of these meeting with friends, there will always be the usual kumustahan and chikahan.


Day 11 - heard mass and then off to airport going back here...

something worth telling

Miles away from the ground in between the islands of the Philippines on my way to Singapore, thousand thoughts came through my mind that makes sleeping a bad idea and so I had to write.

A few days or probably wks ago while sorting through my things I stumbled upon old memories. The only link left that I have with the man I tried desperately to forget. And i did but somehow the memories just keep on surfacing... The only picture that we had together, I didn't linger on it though and i hid it immediately. I'm not yet ready to see him, not now.. not even in pic.

While on vacation, I met friends. Old friends who asked about you. Yeah, it's more than a year now. However, this was the first time I saw my friends after such a long time. And yes, they didn't know you personally but they knew you from me. And just like anyone else, when a person is in love, you shout it to the world and I did, that's why. The only response I could give them was next question, pls! with a wide grin.

Going back to the pic, no, I would not tear nor burn it. It will stay where I hid it and I know that the next time I stumbled upon it, I may or may not be ok. Perhaps, I might vomit with the sight of you nor get depressed just like the old times but unless someone asked me to throw it then I would but for now, I wont. For one day, when I'm old with gray hairs and grandchildren seated on my knees... it's something worth telling and showing, that once when their lola is still young she fell in love with that handsome frog prince...

di pwede...

hayy.. after so long na ayaw ako kausapin ni ram. nakausap ko sya kagabi. akala ko westernized na ang batang 'to at somehow distance kept us apart. nagkamali ako. at na-miss ko sya bigla.. buti na lang at winter break sa kanila. at nasa mood makipag-usap.

our conversation went like this:

ram: uhmm.. hmm

tita: anong ginagawa mo? baket ayaw mo sumagot?

ram: kumakain ako...

tita: anong kinakain mo?

ram: pancit canton

tita: penge naman..

ram: eh si tita... wala ka naman dito, nasa singapore ka.

tita: pag andyan ako, bibigyan mo ko?

ram: punta ka na dito. kelan ka ba pupunta? sa bday ko, 7 na ko.

tita: saka na lang. uuwi pa ko sa unoy.

ram: baket ka uuwi sa unoy?

tita: titingnan ko muna si daddy and mommy. di ko na sila nakikita, miss ko na sila.

ram: eh di mag-chat na lang kyo..

tita: hindi naman marunong mag-chat si mommy eh. naka-chat mo na ba sya?

ram: hindi pa. si tito yhek lang.

tita: uuwi muna ko sa unoy saka nasa philippines din si tita emie. magkikita kame magpapadala ko ng package para sa inyo. ano ba gusto mo? mag-sm si tita.

ram: ano yung sm?

tita: eh di ung mall na pinupuntahan nyo ni mami.

ram: mall? hindi naman kame nag-mall ni mami.

tita: nag-mall kayo. dyan din kayo punta ni beye nung nasa cubao pa tayo nakatira.

ram: hindi ka naman nakatira sa cubao eh

tita: tumira ko sa cubao

ram: hindi. ako, si mama, papa and rev alng ang tumira sa cubao.

tita: ako din tanong mo si mama.

ram: mama, mama.. tumira ba sa cubao si tita?

mama: (hindi ata naintindihan ang tanong)... nasa singapore si tita mo.

ram: hindi daw sabi ni mama.

tita: tumira nga ako dun.

ram: eh san ang room mo?

tita: yung maliit na room. kyo nila papa sa sala, natutulog eh.

==== change topic naman..

tita: may girlfriend ka na noh..

ram: shhessh!

tita: anong shhessh?r

am: quiet ka! wala akong girlfriend..

tita: ilan na ang girlfriend mo? sino ang meron? si rev meron na?

ram: wala din si rev..

tita: ahh ako din walang boyfriend.

ram: sumbong kita kay mama... mama, mama.. si tita daw walang boyfriend!

tita: (bakit ako sinumbong? wala nga akong boyfriend) baket? eh wala nga akong boyfriend..

ram: hindi ka pedeng mag boyfriend!!

!tita: baket?!

ram: kase tita ka lang! kaya di ka pedeng mag boyfriend..

tita: hah?! pede akong mag boyfriend..

ram: hindi hindi hindi tita ka lang...

tita: pwede.. pwede!

ram: bahala ka nga! mama, eto nga. kausapin mo. ang gulo kausap!

haha na-miss ko nga pamangkin ko. natandaan ko pa more or less takbo ng usap namin kagabi.

on future and dieting

its been a while since i last visited this blog.. i know, i know.. i promise to write more frequently but.. i guess, words are hard to find these days. i've been busy with work, at house, with friends. seems that 24 hours in a day are not enough for me. esp now that i've been reporting early in the office. well, im going home early i know but it doesnt count c")

anyway, what's new? there's not much.. except that i have been thinking of my health and my future lately. the future seems bleak and i still dont know where im going and i would probably say that i'll go where the wind blows if someone ask me but i do have a plan. and im working on it. actually, i have lots of plan thats why i said that it seems bleak. i have a few options but im working on one. if it doesnt suit me, there's still plan b. i might be working on plan b while waiting for plan a, who knows? its the future so no one knows.. unless you're a psychic..

as for my health, i have never been health conscious before. but now i watch what i eat. and again, i know that my friends want to strangle me whenever i say that i dont wanna eat, i cant help it. but im not on a diet, i still eat like a pig sometimes..

and i dont have anorexia, ok? no need to panic. sometimes, it gets to me too that i could have the symptoms. but i dont have because if i do, i wont be writing here abt it and probably be throwing up the brownies and chix skin i had today. im not thin either, i also have fats here and there too it just doesnt show that much (i wished!). but no, dont tell me that im anorexic and no, dont tell me that im fat. because i am neither. so, next time you see me running on the stadium and eating in moderation im just trying to be fit.

my 2007 resolutions

i promise not to make one but it seems like new year wont be complete without this list.. anyway, its just a list... it will all depends on how i want to change. do i want to change anything? im fine with myself.. its just that there are things that i want to do but i cannot do. dont ask me why. i just cant...

i want to learn...
- how to ride a bike
- how to swim
- how to skate

... will find lots of guts to do any one of these.. for now, it will just be on my mind.. no pressures! :D


i want to enroll...
- on a gym class - for my aero lesson
- on a dance class - for my belly dancing lesson

... if i will have the time after office.


i will try to read more, sleep more and be in touch with friends more often not just on special occasions.
i will try to write more probably no more sad poems for me, i've had enough.
i will exercise more and be health conscious. i wont go down memory lane too much and if i do i will try not to cry too much.

... to stop being sensitive... on what others say and on what others need.
... to stop being a superwoman because i am not one.
... to relax more. and did i say i want to sleep more?