it's been a long time again.. writing has taken a back seat for a while, as usual. well, there's not much to write for one. my schedule is pretty much the same:
930am - go to work
6pm - go home
from 6pm to 11pm - dinner with leny/norvs (granted they are also at home), watch tv till 11 if its tues/wed, read book in between or chat on the phone
11pm to 1am - surf the net
1am - bed time
im done reading twilight, new moon and eclipse! cant wait to start on breaking dawn.. i can relate to bella for being a magnet to accidents. i was like her back in my school days. clumsy, weakling, i still am, i think.. but there are no hovering bloodsuckers and werewolves around me :)
im leaving for the US tomorrow, cant wait.. im anxiously waiting, i supposed. its a long story and im not in the mood to write. i want to be positive about it :)
somebody told me that im different now.. i never noticed that. well, i was grumpy last wk and i feel like im always at my wit's end lately but im still the same. might be the weather getting into me, depressing and cold. nevertheless, im ok.. kind of quiet lately. probably because im anxiously waiting.. as i've said. but it's still me. cguro, may onting sadness in my eyes. i wonder why...
cguro, malamig lang ang pasko at lalong pinalamig ng weather dito :P
Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
...
let these tears i shed
wash away the pain,
the heartbreak and longing
for the love i cannot have,
the hand i cannot hold
the face i cannot touch...
wash away the pain,
the heartbreak and longing
for the love i cannot have,
the hand i cannot hold
the face i cannot touch...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Awakening
The Awakening
by Sonny Carroll
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice
inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening...
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.
You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
by Sonny Carroll
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice
inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening...
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.
You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
running away...
- written sept 19
oce a year, every sept 18 or 19, i take a day off from work. it started 5 years ago. coincidentally for the first 2 years. and when my world came crushing down during that date on the second year, i've been taking a rest and running away from the world since.
why do i do that? to remind myself that i am just human. once burned and wounded. and that made me realized that i have so much strength, more than i can imagine. that i have really good friends that i can rely on, who's willing to give me shoulders to cry on.
when i told my friends here that i was on leave yday, they kept on asking me why.. of course, i dont want anyone to know my reasons. its too much complicated. sometimes, i cant even comprehend why i am doing that... be sad, cry, sulk when i know that i've moved on.. but these dates will always have a bad effect on me. it reminded me of a lot of things... thats why i just want to runaway and not think of anything.. leave everything behind, not a care in this world.
he asked why. he kept on asking me even guessing on the possible reasons, he doesn't want to see me sad he says. he said that he couldn't have been the reason since we dont know each other last year.. he could have been my reason this year, but of course he's not. but he made me even sadder. knowing that he's showing his concern and i couldn't tell him why... if i can only runaway again today too :(
oce a year, every sept 18 or 19, i take a day off from work. it started 5 years ago. coincidentally for the first 2 years. and when my world came crushing down during that date on the second year, i've been taking a rest and running away from the world since.
why do i do that? to remind myself that i am just human. once burned and wounded. and that made me realized that i have so much strength, more than i can imagine. that i have really good friends that i can rely on, who's willing to give me shoulders to cry on.
when i told my friends here that i was on leave yday, they kept on asking me why.. of course, i dont want anyone to know my reasons. its too much complicated. sometimes, i cant even comprehend why i am doing that... be sad, cry, sulk when i know that i've moved on.. but these dates will always have a bad effect on me. it reminded me of a lot of things... thats why i just want to runaway and not think of anything.. leave everything behind, not a care in this world.
he asked why. he kept on asking me even guessing on the possible reasons, he doesn't want to see me sad he says. he said that he couldn't have been the reason since we dont know each other last year.. he could have been my reason this year, but of course he's not. but he made me even sadder. knowing that he's showing his concern and i couldn't tell him why... if i can only runaway again today too :(
Thursday, September 04, 2008
that's love
like a morning sunshine,
it lightens up your day
like a flower in springtime,
it brings out the radiant beauty within
like a song, as if you get touched by an angel
like the stars, it brightens up the darkness night
but some good things never last...
like a thunder shattering glasses,
it will break you into pieces
like a roaring wave destroying sand castles,
it will shatter what little dreams you have
you fall in love
stay in love
it makes you happy, mad, complete, crazy
some days, all at the same time
and when you get to the edge
you let go
you move on
thats life
thats love...
it lightens up your day
like a flower in springtime,
it brings out the radiant beauty within
like a song, as if you get touched by an angel
like the stars, it brightens up the darkness night
but some good things never last...
like a thunder shattering glasses,
it will break you into pieces
like a roaring wave destroying sand castles,
it will shatter what little dreams you have
you fall in love
stay in love
it makes you happy, mad, complete, crazy
some days, all at the same time
and when you get to the edge
you let go
you move on
thats life
thats love...
pasko...
112 days to go before that much awaited holiday season
106 days left before i go to the States and see my brother and his family.
I am already listening to Christmas carols..
But why do I still feel gloomy? :'(
106 days left before i go to the States and see my brother and his family.
I am already listening to Christmas carols..
But why do I still feel gloomy? :'(
Thursday, August 28, 2008
hiram
dikolam kung san mag uumpisa. o kung pano nag umpisa. nag usap tayo, tinanong kita, sumagot ka. may kulang. dahil paikot ikot lang ang naging usapan natin. hanggang walang kinahantungan. paligoy ligoy. para tayong lasing na di nagtutugma ang sagot sa tanong.
gusto mo kong kausap, paminsan minsan. pag naiinip ka. pag wala kang kausap. naaaliw ka. or wala lang. walang magtyagang kausap ka. ako lang. o natutuwa ka pag kausap ako, ano ako clown? tinanong kita kung bakit. na dapat di ko ginawa. dapat pinigilan ko ang sarili ko magtanong. para kong tinulak ang sarili ko sa bangin. na buti na lang di mo pinatulan. dikolam kung sino ang mas sensible sa ting dalawa. ikaw na di pumatol pero parang gustong pumatol o ako na sa umpisa pa lang alam ko na dapat di na umabot sa ganito.
wala, wala pa namang kinahantungan ang lahat. di pa man nag uumpisa, naudlot na. wala kang sinabi, sinagot mo pero di mo sinagot ang tanong ko. naisin ko mang mag usisa, alam kong di dapat. at dapat di na natin pag usapan yan. tapos na ang kabaliwan na dapat di na sinimulan.
di ko na kelangan alamin ano ba ako para sayo. wala namang mababago kahit malaman ko. di mo man aminin, alam mo na alam ko na meron kang iba at ano man meron tayo, ay mga sandaling hiram lamang.
gusto mo kong kausap, paminsan minsan. pag naiinip ka. pag wala kang kausap. naaaliw ka. or wala lang. walang magtyagang kausap ka. ako lang. o natutuwa ka pag kausap ako, ano ako clown? tinanong kita kung bakit. na dapat di ko ginawa. dapat pinigilan ko ang sarili ko magtanong. para kong tinulak ang sarili ko sa bangin. na buti na lang di mo pinatulan. dikolam kung sino ang mas sensible sa ting dalawa. ikaw na di pumatol pero parang gustong pumatol o ako na sa umpisa pa lang alam ko na dapat di na umabot sa ganito.
wala, wala pa namang kinahantungan ang lahat. di pa man nag uumpisa, naudlot na. wala kang sinabi, sinagot mo pero di mo sinagot ang tanong ko. naisin ko mang mag usisa, alam kong di dapat. at dapat di na natin pag usapan yan. tapos na ang kabaliwan na dapat di na sinimulan.
di ko na kelangan alamin ano ba ako para sayo. wala namang mababago kahit malaman ko. di mo man aminin, alam mo na alam ko na meron kang iba at ano man meron tayo, ay mga sandaling hiram lamang.
talk to me...
u have to understand
there will be days that i wont say a thing
even if you asked me to
but that doesn't mean that i dont want to talk to you
i cant talk to you all the time
even if thats what i want to do all day
even if there's really nothing to talk about
'coz it would just break my heart
u have to understand
i need to protect my heart
not from falling apart
but by making a fool of myself
i am just borrowing time
and when that momentary bliss
fades away
i'll be left all alone, unwanted
thats why.. i cant talk to you
there will be days that i wont say a thing
even if you asked me to
but that doesn't mean that i dont want to talk to you
i cant talk to you all the time
even if thats what i want to do all day
even if there's really nothing to talk about
'coz it would just break my heart
u have to understand
i need to protect my heart
not from falling apart
but by making a fool of myself
i am just borrowing time
and when that momentary bliss
fades away
i'll be left all alone, unwanted
thats why.. i cant talk to you
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
somehow
in the serenity of my surroundings,
i found chaos
my thoughts are endless
searching for something
for within, there's only emptiness
i am lost
even words seem hard to find
i feel restless, tired, bored
dumbstruck for whatever is happening
in my so-called non existent lovelife
i found myself on that same road
i've travelled a few years back
i never wanted to embark on that same journey
but somehow, fate meddled
and once again, i can only blame myself
now, its but right to believe
that somehow,
my fantasy and fairy tales
never collide with reality
and i just need to wake up
and that somehow, i found it hard to do just that
if i can have it my way, i would just sleep for as long as i want
so i can still hold you in my dreams
there, i can keep u mine
but then again, i wouldn't want that to happen
i found chaos
my thoughts are endless
searching for something
for within, there's only emptiness
i am lost
even words seem hard to find
i feel restless, tired, bored
dumbstruck for whatever is happening
in my so-called non existent lovelife
i found myself on that same road
i've travelled a few years back
i never wanted to embark on that same journey
but somehow, fate meddled
and once again, i can only blame myself
now, its but right to believe
that somehow,
my fantasy and fairy tales
never collide with reality
and i just need to wake up
and that somehow, i found it hard to do just that
if i can have it my way, i would just sleep for as long as i want
so i can still hold you in my dreams
there, i can keep u mine
but then again, i wouldn't want that to happen
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
im getting bored and getting used to it..
im writing again.. i think i may be doing this regularly esp now that i will have a lot of free time on my hands. work is no longer that demanding.. a good thing and a bad thing. i can go home early, thats good.. but what to do at home? that made me think.. im getting bored staying at home and doing nothing.. by nothing, i meant like cooking, reading, surfing the net, watching tv or burning the phone lines. i wanna do something else that doesn't involve books, laptop, tv or phones. i cant think of anything else unless i wanna do outdoors. gardening: nah.. i wanted flowers but i dont have the green thumb to even think about planting. sports: nah.. i dont play any. i've never played any except for that one badminton day that even my very good friend quits on teaching me. knitting: over my dead body haha thats going to be the last thing that i would wanna do!
so, i would just probably try my hands in writing again.. look at the stars at night and maybe i can find an inspiration on those shining little dots :P
so, i would just probably try my hands in writing again.. look at the stars at night and maybe i can find an inspiration on those shining little dots :P
Saturday, July 05, 2008
.. and the cycle goes on
sometimes, i get too tired of myself. i wonder what my friends are feeling whenever i complain or make kwento about what happened for the day. i could be stressing them with my rants. hell! i stress myself!
after super ex, it took me a long time to recover. no, there's no alcohol every night for two years and no, i didnt do stupid things (not a lot though). there were nights i cried buckets and there were days i feel like dying. yes, it was hard but i got over it.. nearly. if there's one thing i learned from that experience, i never knew that i have that much strength to go on as if nothing happens. i go out, i laugh but everything is shallow. behind that smile is a woman crying. behind that carefree lifestyle is a woman too afraid to commit. and just when i realized that i am capable of loving or falling in love again, reality hits me. he can never be mine simply because he belongs to someone else.
i can only dream that somehow he is thinking of me and feeling the same way, too. but im not that cruel and selfish. i would not want him wanting me, even if he did.. i would not want that to happen. i once compromised my values for love, i wont let myself go through that again.
para kong sirang plakang paulit ulit na kino-kondisyon ang sarili na ok lang ako. na hindi ako mai-inlab sa kanya. the thought of it haunts me and it hurts when i saw him together with her, alone for the first time. i know its inevitable, sooner or later, i will have to face it. its a demon i created and its here haunting me. and i feel too helpless to face it. slowly, i know i am about to succumb to its madness. no matter how much i tried to resist its charm, my heart will fend off what my mind is saying and then i'll be doomed!
take me away from here.. but who would do that? he could but then again, a call from the other half would make him run away from me.
take me away from here.. im tired doing this cycle. im tired. i am.
after super ex, it took me a long time to recover. no, there's no alcohol every night for two years and no, i didnt do stupid things (not a lot though). there were nights i cried buckets and there were days i feel like dying. yes, it was hard but i got over it.. nearly. if there's one thing i learned from that experience, i never knew that i have that much strength to go on as if nothing happens. i go out, i laugh but everything is shallow. behind that smile is a woman crying. behind that carefree lifestyle is a woman too afraid to commit. and just when i realized that i am capable of loving or falling in love again, reality hits me. he can never be mine simply because he belongs to someone else.
i can only dream that somehow he is thinking of me and feeling the same way, too. but im not that cruel and selfish. i would not want him wanting me, even if he did.. i would not want that to happen. i once compromised my values for love, i wont let myself go through that again.
para kong sirang plakang paulit ulit na kino-kondisyon ang sarili na ok lang ako. na hindi ako mai-inlab sa kanya. the thought of it haunts me and it hurts when i saw him together with her, alone for the first time. i know its inevitable, sooner or later, i will have to face it. its a demon i created and its here haunting me. and i feel too helpless to face it. slowly, i know i am about to succumb to its madness. no matter how much i tried to resist its charm, my heart will fend off what my mind is saying and then i'll be doomed!
take me away from here.. but who would do that? he could but then again, a call from the other half would make him run away from me.
take me away from here.. im tired doing this cycle. im tired. i am.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
summer solstice
today is the looongest day.. at 1159pm, the sun will stand still at its highest peak and tomorrow, summer will officially start.
today is the looongest day.. i got to chat with 'u-know-who' for the longest time ever. we talked about some personal things like im older than he is and he could not believe it. that he already has a girlfriend that i can be his girl friend.. that i had a boyfriend and he was such an a**hole and that there would be loads of guys who would jump at takin me out but where are these guys??? that i should go out tonight and he's going out.. but what about the girlfriend? what am i now?
i feel stupid, really.. esp when he asked me how did i know that he has a girlfriend. i was caught but of course i just asked him if its HAD or have? the way he said it.. i HAD.. but knowing them, i would say, that its just an honest mistake, its supposed to be 'have'. i didnt ask anymore, i dont want him to think that im prying and he's not saying anything about it.. i dont want to think that he's testing the waters just like what my friend said. i still want to think that he's being friendly. i would like him better that way hehe
today is the looongest day.. i got to chat with 'u-know-who' for the longest time ever. we talked about some personal things like im older than he is and he could not believe it. that he already has a girlfriend that i can be his girl friend.. that i had a boyfriend and he was such an a**hole and that there would be loads of guys who would jump at takin me out but where are these guys??? that i should go out tonight and he's going out.. but what about the girlfriend? what am i now?
i feel stupid, really.. esp when he asked me how did i know that he has a girlfriend. i was caught but of course i just asked him if its HAD or have? the way he said it.. i HAD.. but knowing them, i would say, that its just an honest mistake, its supposed to be 'have'. i didnt ask anymore, i dont want him to think that im prying and he's not saying anything about it.. i dont want to think that he's testing the waters just like what my friend said. i still want to think that he's being friendly. i would like him better that way hehe
Thursday, June 05, 2008
The Invitation
by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
i feel so blessed
i may not be feeling really well when it comes to the affairs of my heart.. probably, my friends from afar can sense it.. no, its just mere coincidences. but just this afternoon, i got a phone call and an sms from my 2 close friends. na-miss din nila ko :)
rare moments like this.. actually, makes me sad and happy at the same time. syempre, nami-miss ko din kase sila. pag naiisip ko ung life i left behind, it may not be full of love on a romantic side, pero i know that i have real friends who are worth my time. i love them dearly :)
kita mo naman, after 3 months.. they are still thinking of me :)
rare moments like this.. actually, makes me sad and happy at the same time. syempre, nami-miss ko din kase sila. pag naiisip ko ung life i left behind, it may not be full of love on a romantic side, pero i know that i have real friends who are worth my time. i love them dearly :)
kita mo naman, after 3 months.. they are still thinking of me :)
baket naisip ko sya?
there are days that im not writing anything, but there are moments where i am feeling a lot. today is just one of those days. i just wish that i can be so carefree... flying like a bird, not a care in this world. but im not, i can never be.
there was an earthquake in china. for a while there, i remembered something, someone. nope, its not as if the world stopped revolving once again for me. no, its not like that. its just, he's there, he lives there. i dont know where, but he's out there. i know that china is a big country but i will always associate china with him. because he's there.. i know, i've said before that i dont really care. yeah, i still dont. but i certainly dont wish him harm as well..
there was an earthquake in china. for a while there, i remembered something, someone. nope, its not as if the world stopped revolving once again for me. no, its not like that. its just, he's there, he lives there. i dont know where, but he's out there. i know that china is a big country but i will always associate china with him. because he's there.. i know, i've said before that i dont really care. yeah, i still dont. but i certainly dont wish him harm as well..
walang kadala dala
ewan ko ba. alam mo yung feeling na para kang napapag-tripan? ganyan ang feeling ko kanina. at ganyan din ang feeling ko after some time na mag-break kame ni super ex. napag-tripan lang ako. sana wala namang pustahan di ba? o kaya kung meron man, sana sinabihan ako.. baka sakaling nagka-pera pa ko. pwede naman akong maki-ride diba?
ewan ko ba. dikolam kung san ko naman nakuha ang idea na ganito. my imaginations sucks big time. imagine, mag-i-imagine lang din ako, yung pangit pa. masyadong pessimistic. pero ano naman ang magagawa ko, ganyan ang feeling ko ngayon. ang hirap i-divert ng isip into something positive. kase kahit anong isip ko, it wont never happen. it wont never worked. it didnt work before, certainly, it wont work this time. before, wala akong kalaban, distance lang. ngayon, may iba pa. so, how on earth, it can possibly work???
ewan ko ba. dikolam what im really driving at. dikolam why am i writing again when i've told and written here a number of times that i wont. i just want to pretend that really nothing is happening. which in fact is the truth.
ewan ko ba. sana i can always be deadma like this in front of him. as if it really doesn't matter. pero sabi nga ng friend ko, affected daw ako. cguro nga, kse if not, i wont be writing about this, or him, over and over again. pero mas ok na 'to, kase naman ipunin ko lahat until it piles up. i dont want to find myself suddenly exploding, and worse in front of him. he really doesn't need to know everything. its enough na affected ako behind his back. iits enough that i can just pretend na i really really dont care. hayy...
ewan ko ba. dikolam kung san ko naman nakuha ang idea na ganito. my imaginations sucks big time. imagine, mag-i-imagine lang din ako, yung pangit pa. masyadong pessimistic. pero ano naman ang magagawa ko, ganyan ang feeling ko ngayon. ang hirap i-divert ng isip into something positive. kase kahit anong isip ko, it wont never happen. it wont never worked. it didnt work before, certainly, it wont work this time. before, wala akong kalaban, distance lang. ngayon, may iba pa. so, how on earth, it can possibly work???
ewan ko ba. dikolam what im really driving at. dikolam why am i writing again when i've told and written here a number of times that i wont. i just want to pretend that really nothing is happening. which in fact is the truth.
ewan ko ba. sana i can always be deadma like this in front of him. as if it really doesn't matter. pero sabi nga ng friend ko, affected daw ako. cguro nga, kse if not, i wont be writing about this, or him, over and over again. pero mas ok na 'to, kase naman ipunin ko lahat until it piles up. i dont want to find myself suddenly exploding, and worse in front of him. he really doesn't need to know everything. its enough na affected ako behind his back. iits enough that i can just pretend na i really really dont care. hayy...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
i know i should not
my head is spinning.. and once again, i found myself contemplating if i should be writing this. .. and feeling like this, i know i should not. i dont have any hold against you. i dont even know you. i dont know what happened but i found myself falling unto the pit that i've created. its a fantasy now turning to be a nightmare. no, im not helpless.. if there's something, i wanna be hopeful. but i know i should not. if this is a nightmare, i need to wake up soon.. now, if i can. unfortunately, its not that easy. i dont have any questions, you did nothing wrong. you've been really good to me. i think that's where everything started...
when i found myself writing silly stories and poems, i knew its a hopeless case. i was in this same road before. it may entirely be a far far different story and the intensity of feelings are really not the same, but still, it hurts. it hurts knowing that i cannot have you.. not even for a while, not even in my dreams... because, i just know that i should not.
you have a world of your own. and for all i know -- in your world, i dont even exist.
when i found myself writing silly stories and poems, i knew its a hopeless case. i was in this same road before. it may entirely be a far far different story and the intensity of feelings are really not the same, but still, it hurts. it hurts knowing that i cannot have you.. not even for a while, not even in my dreams... because, i just know that i should not.
you have a world of your own. and for all i know -- in your world, i dont even exist.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
ang aking pandesal
i was talking to a very good friend, one of our favorite topic is my non-existent love life. kinikilig daw sya pag kinukwento ko sa kanya ang mga 'misadventures' ko sa king frog prince. for the sake of this blog, i'll drop a name even though i've said before that i wont.. well, did not i say that i wont talk about him. anyway, there's no stopping me now. im just hoping that it wont backfire!!! back to name, we call him.. kermit hehe why? because he's a frog nga!!! bad ko ba? actually, he has not done me anything bad. and i guess, thats the problem. he seems too good to be true? he is, if not for the gf!!! ouch!!!
anyway, she advised me to look somewhere else. eh pano nga yun? sabi ko sa kanya ang gusto ko 'pandesal'.. kahit na bigyan nya ko ng pizza, sa pandesal pa din ako.. siguro pag nagsawa, napagod at nasanay na ko sa pandesal.. pwede na ko sa pizza, sa brioche, sa egg sandwich.. pero ngayon, pandesal lang ang gusto ko.. kahit na ang pandesal, pag-aari na ng iba :( ouch!!!
sabi ko pa, i will always be on guard. sana nga, my goodness! i dont even know him! sana, feeling na lang ako.. this phase shall pass too..soon, sana. for now, di naman ako pwede mag-dedma na lang. bad yun! plus, he's not doing anything bad. ako lang naman talaga ang problem.. im feeding the mind, hopefully, not the heart.
so ang tanong na lang is: until when would i want my pandesal? i dont know. i dont even have an idea. baka yun na nga, pag nagsawa na ko. or nasanay na ko na ganun lang sya talaga. ah ewan! pati ako nalalabuan sa sarili ko. kala ko pa naman, maaga ang happy ending ko dito.. di pa pala. hayy..
at ewan ko ba dito sa kaibigan ko at baket kinikilig sya sa min??? naisip kase nya na baket kelangan magparamdam sa umaga kung di naman ako tatanungin ng tungkol sa work. pwede di ba? pero baka naman sa lahat ng ka-team namin ganun sya hehe o baka naman nambobola lang? ah ewan!
basta, gusto ko pa din ng pandesal!!
anyway, she advised me to look somewhere else. eh pano nga yun? sabi ko sa kanya ang gusto ko 'pandesal'.. kahit na bigyan nya ko ng pizza, sa pandesal pa din ako.. siguro pag nagsawa, napagod at nasanay na ko sa pandesal.. pwede na ko sa pizza, sa brioche, sa egg sandwich.. pero ngayon, pandesal lang ang gusto ko.. kahit na ang pandesal, pag-aari na ng iba :( ouch!!!
sabi ko pa, i will always be on guard. sana nga, my goodness! i dont even know him! sana, feeling na lang ako.. this phase shall pass too..soon, sana. for now, di naman ako pwede mag-dedma na lang. bad yun! plus, he's not doing anything bad. ako lang naman talaga ang problem.. im feeding the mind, hopefully, not the heart.
so ang tanong na lang is: until when would i want my pandesal? i dont know. i dont even have an idea. baka yun na nga, pag nagsawa na ko. or nasanay na ko na ganun lang sya talaga. ah ewan! pati ako nalalabuan sa sarili ko. kala ko pa naman, maaga ang happy ending ko dito.. di pa pala. hayy..
at ewan ko ba dito sa kaibigan ko at baket kinikilig sya sa min??? naisip kase nya na baket kelangan magparamdam sa umaga kung di naman ako tatanungin ng tungkol sa work. pwede di ba? pero baka naman sa lahat ng ka-team namin ganun sya hehe o baka naman nambobola lang? ah ewan!
basta, gusto ko pa din ng pandesal!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
it's just good while it lasts...
well, at least for a while, even just for a short time... i felt bliss and kilig whenever he talks to me. but now, reality sinks in. and im on that road again where i suddenly realized that it does really bites. and bit it did.. and after that momentary bliss, i told a friend that i am moving on hehe as if! he's not a prince after all. at least, i did not have to kiss him to realize that. sayang! haha
anyway, ganyan talaga ang buhay. di bale, wala naman syang alam. good for me. pero syempre, ganun pa din sya. o feeling lang ako? baka nga feeling lang ako. baka he's just trying to be nice. pero minsan kase even the small talks, nabibigyan ko ng meaning. ewan ko ba?! pero starting today, i wont. kahit na may sinabi na naman sya. deadma na lang ako.
sabi ko nga before, i wont talk about it. anyway, last na 'to.. hopefully.
anyway, ganyan talaga ang buhay. di bale, wala naman syang alam. good for me. pero syempre, ganun pa din sya. o feeling lang ako? baka nga feeling lang ako. baka he's just trying to be nice. pero minsan kase even the small talks, nabibigyan ko ng meaning. ewan ko ba?! pero starting today, i wont. kahit na may sinabi na naman sya. deadma na lang ako.
sabi ko nga before, i wont talk about it. anyway, last na 'to.. hopefully.
Friday, April 25, 2008
...
i want to write something but im not sure what to write. my mind is empty, hollow. i cant think of anything else except.. oh never mind. this is not doing me any good, so i might as well snap out of it! brace myself or else..
Saturday, April 05, 2008
senti mode
im ok, im ok, im ok...
im numb, im cold, im fine... i will be.
dont feel anything. dont think anything. i'll be damned.
so, id rather be ok.. be ok.. be ok.
and i know, i will be.
him...
waah!
i like, i like!
haha am i crazy or what?
ok, just dont mind this blog posting..
my mind is just spinning, i feel intoxicated even though i haven't drink any alcohol for quite a long time now. i could only wish that its as simple as abc or 123.. but the thing is, i am never good at anything.. not even this!
at this age, im so naive when it comes to stuffs like this. i had fafa blue from a distance for a long time. before him, there was tictac, medge, jay.. the list could go on, i had them but the thing is, they never know :P this time around, i dont want him to know either. i dont even want to know what is it that i feel, i just had to ignore him. he should not know nor feel anything or it could put us on an awkward situation.
there is nothing to not like about him. i find him cute in a different way. he's not good looking, not even gorgeous. and he definitely looks like super ex and if i didnt stop myself, i would definitely, eventually, going to like him and i know that i should not!
so, this is the only and last post that i am going to write about him. no name drop, no hint, nothing at all. there, im done!
i like, i like!
haha am i crazy or what?
ok, just dont mind this blog posting..
my mind is just spinning, i feel intoxicated even though i haven't drink any alcohol for quite a long time now. i could only wish that its as simple as abc or 123.. but the thing is, i am never good at anything.. not even this!
at this age, im so naive when it comes to stuffs like this. i had fafa blue from a distance for a long time. before him, there was tictac, medge, jay.. the list could go on, i had them but the thing is, they never know :P this time around, i dont want him to know either. i dont even want to know what is it that i feel, i just had to ignore him. he should not know nor feel anything or it could put us on an awkward situation.
there is nothing to not like about him. i find him cute in a different way. he's not good looking, not even gorgeous. and he definitely looks like super ex and if i didnt stop myself, i would definitely, eventually, going to like him and i know that i should not!
so, this is the only and last post that i am going to write about him. no name drop, no hint, nothing at all. there, im done!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
and i thought its just me...
i've never been the type of employee who ask a lot of questions. even way back, i'd prefer to be on the sideline and listen. well, i may be an outspoken person when it comes to my life but professionally i am not. not because there is nothing to talk about. heck! you just dont know how questions keep flooding my mind but i guess one of the reason is i dont want to ask stupid questions. its always like that.. and then sooner or later, i'll just realize that the answer is just right there in front of me. and yes, im not that confident enough. another thing is, i want to explore it on my own. esp if its a project related question, i can ask my teammates, y not? but i want to try if i can find the answers for my questions on my own. when i've exhausted all resources and suffered a terrible headache from thinking too hard, then i'll probably ask questions. not healthy noh?
a few weeks ago, i've started working on a new project (and lets not forget: new company, new teammates, new environment, new everything!) as usual, i dared not ask questions. whenever they asked me how am i going on, my reply is always "its a challenge for me". which is 100% true. this is totally different from my previous jobS. this was like msgp, we create the test scripts based from the frd. this was like ct, brds are not complete. with my previous jobs, its all about numbers. here, its all about informations. and i actually told a friend, my mind will bleed from thinking and imagining conditions!
this morning, i got to chat with one of my teammates. and we talked about how this is so difficult and how she and my other teammate find it hard to cope up since this is a big project. finally. i realized.. its not just me having problems but them as well. so i told her, if you feel lost where should i be?
a few weeks ago, i've started working on a new project (and lets not forget: new company, new teammates, new environment, new everything!) as usual, i dared not ask questions. whenever they asked me how am i going on, my reply is always "its a challenge for me". which is 100% true. this is totally different from my previous jobS. this was like msgp, we create the test scripts based from the frd. this was like ct, brds are not complete. with my previous jobs, its all about numbers. here, its all about informations. and i actually told a friend, my mind will bleed from thinking and imagining conditions!
this morning, i got to chat with one of my teammates. and we talked about how this is so difficult and how she and my other teammate find it hard to cope up since this is a big project. finally. i realized.. its not just me having problems but them as well. so i told her, if you feel lost where should i be?
Saturday, March 15, 2008
from a distance...
i wanna get close to you but im too afraid to let you know. somehow, you reminded me of him. that someone i once used to know. and thats enough for me to be level headed and to retrack from everything.
i wanted to know you also, just at the same level or more if you would just allow me. but still, i will guard my heart even if it means that i'll be cold at some point. i want you to know though that it wasn't my intention. i just dont want to get hurt. nor to get you hurt. because someday, you might realized that the reason we got close was because of that someone you reminded me of...
you have a lot in you that he has not. it may just be a few weeks that i've known you, but you seem to care. and you seem to appreciate life and all those around you.
if there's just one thing i want now, its just to know you. that would be enough. no, i wont ask for anything else. thats not me. i want you to do things freely even if it would hurt me.. but for now, let me just admire you and know you... from a distance.
i wanted to know you also, just at the same level or more if you would just allow me. but still, i will guard my heart even if it means that i'll be cold at some point. i want you to know though that it wasn't my intention. i just dont want to get hurt. nor to get you hurt. because someday, you might realized that the reason we got close was because of that someone you reminded me of...
you have a lot in you that he has not. it may just be a few weeks that i've known you, but you seem to care. and you seem to appreciate life and all those around you.
if there's just one thing i want now, its just to know you. that would be enough. no, i wont ask for anything else. thats not me. i want you to do things freely even if it would hurt me.. but for now, let me just admire you and know you... from a distance.
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