good old memories

you came into my life when i was nursing a broken heart
you made me laugh with your silly antics
you argued with my nonsensical thoughts
there were a lot of things you've done and made for me
but most of all.. you became my best friend

i never ever thought that i would fell... but i did
and i did the bestest thing, i ignored you
you see, my only priority at the time was my studies
and i could not let anything nor anyone get in the way
and you did...

you've wondered why and asked our friends
and i tried really hard.. but i wasn't that strong
eventually, i came back into your arms
those were the happier days
and there i felt love

things changed and i couldn't cope up
i got busier and you were still there
i knew something's wrong
and you're hurting
so i let you go

you held on, you were there.. everywhere
it went on for a while
we held hands, we talked
i realized that everything's back to normal
and for the second time, i'd let you go

i knew this time, it was for real
so i cried
i felt real pains
but i put on a brave face
and tried to be strong

i never told you why i left our relationship
and how i turned my back from our friendship
when you got closed to someone, i felt bad
but it was a decision i never regret
you looked good together...

we left school and you kept in touch
not with me of course (i heard the other half didn't like it, i wonder why)
but my friends... our friends
they told me everything about you, you know
even if i didn't want to know

occassionally, we see each other
and you'll say hi but i was still unperturbed
i still ignored you.. i got used to it
i got numbed..
as if you didn't exist

i was sorry but i never regret anything
i loved you but it was not enough
to keep a relationship
you seemed happy with the life you chose
and that changed everything

when i heard the news, i cried
i called my friends.. our friend
i knew i was late... too late
once again, i saw you and put on a brave face
in front of your coffin... i didn't cry.

=============================
this happened a long long time ago... a few months after his death, he said his goodbye in my dreams.

my pamangkins

this is gonna be the first time that i'll be talking about my pamangkins. except for this thread...

no, i was not avoiding it. i'm proud to be a tita... a faraway tita, i guess. but my life has too many complications that i forgot to acknowledge that im so blessed in a lot of things.

i am a tita to 7 kids. 3 (ram, rev and mary) on my eldest brother and 4 (gorby, jonas, hazel and jc) to my older brother.

ram, rev and mary are residing in NY though mary is the only citizen. they've been there a couple of years with their parents syempre and still no plans of going home as they all wanted to process their papers there. well, i guess, by the time they decided to go home, the kids could be in their teens.

isaac ephraim or ram who's nick came from his dad's name read backwards (mar) is now 7 years old. edward virgil or rev, who's name is after his lolos' on both sides and nick is my dad's name read backwards (ver) just turned 6 a few days ago. mary evangeline or ineng as they fondly called her is 2 years old. i've seen her for a couple of days when i brought her brothers to the us of a but she's just a few months old at the time. i've seen her by webcam naman most of the time and more often than her brothers. this kid is makulit and malikot, mahilig mag-inarte according to her mom.

i never had a chance to be with my 4 pamangkins on kuya alex's side. they lived overseas and i've only spent a few weeks with them since they were born. their youngest, jc, i've cradled only for a few minutes before going back here in SG where i am presently residing.

lucky are the boys of kuya mar, ram and rev. for 4 years, i was with them but it was not enough to make too many memories. they were still too young when i accompanied them to their parents in NY. now that they're 7 and 6, we didn't have any emotional bonds anymore. they forgot all those things that we did together back when we're still in pinas. however, they haven't forgotten me.. that's enough for me. they still make sumbong to me pag napapagalitan sila kahit over the net lang. they still ask me to buy them stuffs at nakikipagkulitan pa din sa phone pag nasa mood. other than that, even if i try to get in touch everyday.. i wont get to see or hear them :( aside from yelling i don't like!

there were times na they asked me when i will come and visit them. they said na they missed me pero like any typical kids, they prefer to play or watch tivo instead of talking. ram always find time to talk to me or to just say hi or wave in front of the webcam. rev will always be busy in front of the tv. and i get stucked with ineng though i know that i can only see her because she's watching some video on the internet teeheehee

some of our convesations would go like:

ram: tita, kelan ka punta dito?

tita: ikaw ram, kelan ka uwi pinas?

ram: paglaki ko natita: hinde, sunduin na kita dyan

ram: di pwede tita. kelangan kasama ko si papa, si mama, si rev at ineng paguwi ko

tita: eh bakit naman?

ram: kase family kame!!!

onga naman...

rev: tita, ibili mo ko ng power ranger toys

tita: cge, bili kita. hintayin mo

rev: gusto ko now na.. now na

tita: night na here. close na mga shops

rev: sige, tomorrow na lang

ngek!

tita: san kayo punta?

ram: mag shopping kame

tita: ibili mo ko ng bag

ram: bag na naman? puros ka na lang bag...

di naman ahh... medyo lang hehe

tita: san kayo punta?

rev: mag-mall kame

tita: buy mo ko pasalubong

rev: sige, tita.. buy kita ng bag

tita: talaga? sige

rev: oo tita, paglaki ko.. pag may work na ko..

ngek! ilang years pa yun? baka di na uso bag nun...

kuya alex's kids are all in pinas and im going home to spend days with them before the holiday. its jonas' birthday also and im really looking forward to bond with them. jonas is the sweetest kid. he always want to hang out with me kahit na busy si tita gusto nya nasa tabi ko. hazel is different. pero she's so madaldal, i enjoy every minute i spend with her..

tita: hazel, sino madaldal?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino makulit?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino matakaw?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino maganda?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino cute?

hazel: si hazel

tita: sino sexy?

hazel: si tita olib!

nasa turo yan haha

im a bitch

nakakatawa pero for more than two weeks now, i've been bitching everyone... i meant, bitchy in a not-so-very-bad way.

i was just always at my wits end. siguro, ganito talaga pag may hinihintay. since, my patience is put to test here... and im not actually passing it with flying colors.. i was left with no choices. however, i stopped worrying na. i put everything to fate and mostly to God :P

back to being bitchy.. not that really i am a b-i-t-c-h... 'coz as far as i know im still your ms. goody two shoes. but then again, i wont deny that i have my fair share of being you know, bad. and of course, i was not in a position to give you details. this is my blog, so, i'll write whatever good i can about myself hehe

its just that with the worsening sits we have here in the office, i always found myself giving snide remarks to no one in particular.. and i know that even my colleagues were enjoying it...

ako, palagi na lang ako.. pag may nag-email sa kin at may ipapagawa...

hayy.. kelan kaya matatapos ang pagdurusa ko? umalis na lahat, ako na lang ang natira.. sana sa susunod ako naman..

ano ba naman yun? kung pwede nga lang ako mag-resign ng walang work ginawa ko na... kaso di naman ako pwede mag-yaya sa pinas.. at baka ako pa magpa-sweldo sa sarili ko.. hehe opps... i dont intend to do this... i may have thoughts but i cant.. kaya tyaga na lang muna sa kung ano ang meron ako

eh kung lalake na lang kaya ang hanapin ko kesa trabaho? kaya lang kung madali humanap ng lalake, sana matagal na kong nakakita? tse! loveless na nga, despair pa sa work!

dapat kung lalake ang hahanapin ko, yung mayaman na para di ko na kelangan ang mag-trabaho... eh lalake nga, wala ako makita.. yung mayaman pa kaya! ah ewan!

there are lot of things i've said na parang mga linya sa movie lang.. err lines directly taken from movies i've watched.. cant recall them now. pero after saying those, i feel ok. it's not like i was trying to be a bitch because i know in my heart i'm not. and dont take it out of context.. im the kindest bitch you can possiblly know :P

ang relasyon, bow!

ang pakikipag-relasyon , di isang laro. di pwede ang kunwarian lang. taya ka ngayon, bukas ako naman. o ang ma-inlab, talo! kumusta naman yun? di na tayo mga bata para maglaro pa. syempre pa, di ka naman papasok sa isang relasyong walang pagmamahal. dapat meron yun dahil yan ang isang malaking bahagi ng relasyon. walang mabubuong relasyon, kung di nagmamahalan ang dalawang tao.

saka dapat yung seryoso naman, yung may bukas na patutunguhan. hindi-yung-kung-ano-na-lang-ang-meron-ka-ngayon-dapat-kuntento attitude na. syempre, handa ding masaktan. lagi namang ganun at dapat kasali talaga yun. di naman pwedeng always in bliss. wala namang perpektong relasyon at ayaw ko din naman yung laging nasa honeymoon stage. di na totoo yun. babalik lang tayo sa larong relasyon.

at dapat pag pinasok mo 'to, paninidigan mo. kung di mo na kaya at nasasaktan ka na ng sobra sobra, baka panahon na para lumaya. syempre, sino ba naman ang gusto na laging nasasaktan? ayaw ko din naman yun. at kung palagi namang ganun, mas mabuti pa ang mag isa. di naman ako malungkot kung ako lang. sanay naman akong mag isa. at least, walang mananakit sa kin emotionally and physically. saka masaya din naman ako kahit mag isa lang, madami akong kaibigan. lagi akong may gimik pag friday night at weekends. pero syempre, kung may choice.. ayoko mag-isa. gusto ko may kasama pero kung ang kasama ko pala naglalaro lang, eh ibang usapan na yun.

nope, hindi kita sasabihan at wala kang maririnig sa kin. pagdating sa ganyan, di ako sanay lumaban. patas ang lahat pagdating sa pagibig pero dyan di mo ako maaasahan. magaling lang ako mangaral pero wala akong alam. pag ako na ang nilagay mo sa ganyang sitwasyon, di ako lalaban. kung tutuong pagibig, di ko na kelangang ipaglaban dahil alam ko at mararamdaman ko ang pagmamahal. pag wala na yun, wala ng laban. talo na ko. suko na. mas masakit kung lalaban pa pero sa huli alam ko naman na sa wala pa din mapupunta ang lahat.

minsan na kong dumaan sa ganitong pasakit, ayaw ko na ulit ulitin pa. sinabihan ko na ang sarili ko na magtanda na. masakit masaktan. ayaw ko ng magdaan sa ganung pasakit ulit. pero kung sa ganong paraan ko lang mararamdaman ang pagmamahal, hindi ako magdadalawang isip na muling masaktan!