somehow

in the serenity of my surroundings,
i found chaos
my thoughts are endless
searching for something
for within, there's only emptiness

i am lost
even words seem hard to find
i feel restless, tired, bored
dumbstruck for whatever is happening
in my so-called non existent lovelife

i found myself on that same road
i've travelled a few years back
i never wanted to embark on that same journey
but somehow, fate meddled
and once again, i can only blame myself

now, its but right to believe
that somehow,
my fantasy and fairy tales
never collide with reality
and i just need to wake up

and that somehow, i found it hard to do just that
if i can have it my way, i would just sleep for as long as i want
so i can still hold you in my dreams
there, i can keep u mine
but then again, i wouldn't want that to happen

finding love

i am so lucky to have found love, only to realized that i cannot share it with you...

im getting bored and getting used to it..

im writing again.. i think i may be doing this regularly esp now that i will have a lot of free time on my hands. work is no longer that demanding.. a good thing and a bad thing. i can go home early, thats good.. but what to do at home? that made me think.. im getting bored staying at home and doing nothing.. by nothing, i meant like cooking, reading, surfing the net, watching tv or burning the phone lines. i wanna do something else that doesn't involve books, laptop, tv or phones. i cant think of anything else unless i wanna do outdoors. gardening: nah.. i wanted flowers but i dont have the green thumb to even think about planting. sports: nah.. i dont play any. i've never played any except for that one badminton day that even my very good friend quits on teaching me. knitting: over my dead body haha thats going to be the last thing that i would wanna do!

so, i would just probably try my hands in writing again.. look at the stars at night and maybe i can find an inspiration on those shining little dots :P

.. and the cycle goes on

sometimes, i get too tired of myself. i wonder what my friends are feeling whenever i complain or make kwento about what happened for the day. i could be stressing them with my rants. hell! i stress myself!

after super ex, it took me a long time to recover. no, there's no alcohol every night for two years and no, i didnt do stupid things (not a lot though). there were nights i cried buckets and there were days i feel like dying. yes, it was hard but i got over it.. nearly. if there's one thing i learned from that experience, i never knew that i have that much strength to go on as if nothing happens. i go out, i laugh but everything is shallow. behind that smile is a woman crying. behind that carefree lifestyle is a woman too afraid to commit. and just when i realized that i am capable of loving or falling in love again, reality hits me. he can never be mine simply because he belongs to someone else.

i can only dream that somehow he is thinking of me and feeling the same way, too. but im not that cruel and selfish. i would not want him wanting me, even if he did.. i would not want that to happen. i once compromised my values for love, i wont let myself go through that again.

para kong sirang plakang paulit ulit na kino-kondisyon ang sarili na ok lang ako. na hindi ako mai-inlab sa kanya. the thought of it haunts me and it hurts when i saw him together with her, alone for the first time. i know its inevitable, sooner or later, i will have to face it. its a demon i created and its here haunting me. and i feel too helpless to face it. slowly, i know i am about to succumb to its madness. no matter how much i tried to resist its charm, my heart will fend off what my mind is saying and then i'll be doomed!

take me away from here.. but who would do that? he could but then again, a call from the other half would make him run away from me.

take me away from here.. im tired doing this cycle. im tired. i am.