the frog

by olive - jan 9, 2006

I used to call him frog and me his princess. Funny, noh? But i just realized the analogy of it all. He's just one of the few frogs that I have to kiss so I can finally meet my prince.


Once upon a time... that was the start of a long online conversation. There was once a frog and a princess; never did the princess realize that the day would come that she would kiss the frog. The princess pawned her heart to the frog not knowing that it was just a game that he used to play.

Almost a year of talking, the frog jumped to the princess' castle so she would be able to give the frog the promise of the kiss. Lo and behold! The frog turned to a handsome prince. But they didn't live happily ever after just like fairy tales do. They live happily for a few days coz the frog left the princess to go back to his pond and then eventually travel to a new castle with the promises of coming back. But the frog turned prince turned back to being a frog again... The princess wondered why. She thought how it happened, what went wrong, she cried and wrote. She cried and get depressed. She cried and went out. And cried some more. But the frog didn't come back. When the frog got in touch with the princess, the promises are no longer there. The feelings are no longer there. Only heartaches and pains remain. The frog whispered to the wind that he intended to visit the princess again. The princess for a while has wondered what's his reason could be. And she came to the conclusion that the frog wanted to be kissed again so he could turn to the handsome prince he was once. But not the princess' prince but somebody else's. She didn't question the frog's promises of returning even though she knows that that was impossible. She wanted him to feel that she doesn't care, that she's unaffected. Although she's wary too, what if it’s another game that he's playing? She wondered but didn't voice out her concerns. If he wanted to see her, then he could. But it doesn't mean that she would jump for joy and welcome him back. She learned her lesson and if she had it her way, she would not go through that pain again with the same man who shattered her heart and left her.

Now, the princess is living without the frog. The frog is just a frog; he was never a prince in the first place. The frog must have cheated her and she believed. It may not be his intentions but the princess got hurt. The princess will then have to wait for another frog... to kiss so she can finally meet her prince.

my last letter

by olive - jan 6, 2006

i have been a regular visitor of cafe erato for a month now. i have stopped writing for quite some time. now, im back. i hope that this is the last sad letter that im gonna write. to all my GT sisses, thanks for the help. without you, i think i wud still be lost and weak.

Dear _____________,

I have stopped writing about my pain for I dont know how to describe it anymore. I cant feel it anymore. Maybe, im healed or it could be im numbed. Nevertheless, I believe that I've moved on. Whatever the reasons are, I dont question it. Im just glad that I have you out of my system.

I still think of you but no longer that much. I still think of you but when I do, there are no more regrets and no more what ifs. I still think of you but when I do, I dont feel the pain anymore. Yes, I may think of you but no, I dont love you anymore. Nor, hate you. But I will always care. So, be careful at work will you? You know, I always worry when you're at work.

The few good memories we had we're already forgotten. I cant remember them anymore. Maybe, bec it happened a few good days only or maybe bec there was none. I cant even visualize your face and how you look anymore. Funny, but maybe bec i saw you only in photos and now the digital representations of you have been removed from my recycle bin. All the things that you gave me were long hidden. And what's left are just bruises of the heartaches you gave me and I know that in a few days, these will be forgotten too. Thats why Im writing now while I can for I know that it will never be the same again.

I thought I'd lost my love for you. Somehow, I lost you but not my quest for love. For I can still feel it my heart, not for you but for myself. And I know that im stronger now than ever before.

Now, I can surely say that Im moving on.. I feel sad though... that Im closing this phase of my life. But I feel that its about time. I've given myself time to cry and time to reminisce. Now, my eyes cant shed a tear and my mind cant remember a thing abt you. Even my "hotel pen" is quitting, I think there's no more ink I know the signs and these are signs that God has given me. He's telling me that enough of the holding on. It's abt time to let go.

Goodbye my love, Im letting you go... Im sorry too.. for now, I cannot be a friend to you. I know you understand.

untitled

by olive - dec 31, 2005

hindi ganun kadali ang lumimot
hindi ganun kadali ang mag-tiwala ulit
dahil nasaktan ka at nagmahal ka
wag mong isara ang puso mo
sa tawag ng bagong pag ibig
wag kang matakot
na magmahal at magtiwala muli...

To Settle

by olive - dec 22, 2005

They said I didn't love you and I was just settling
I wished it was just as simple as that
Maybe if I was I wont get hurt
Maybe if I was I wont see your face in the guy I dated
Maybe if I was I wont smell your scent from a distance
Maybe if I was I wont be in pain letting you go
Maybe if I was I would have forgotten you
Maybe if I was I would have move on
Maybe if I was I wont be holding on

But now, I am settling...
in loving you from a distance...

A Letter For You

by olive - dec 19, 2005

we talked... we talked about us not talking. you said it's just weird. you wanted me to be the old me once again. obviously, i cant. the old me was once in love with you. come to think of it, it's ironic. we're now in reverse. we broke up bec we talked a lot. i talked a lot. i had all your space you couldn't breathe anymore. so, i gave your space back to you. it was hard though. us, not talking... even if it's just for a while. i never thought that that's gonna be our ending. sometimes, i can still feel the pain. sometimes, i can still feel my love you. sometimes, alcohol just can't wipe the tears away. and now, you wanted me to talk. it's weird. i wanted to talk to you too. but its hard. im afraid that talking to you would remind me of the hurts and the pains im trying to forget. im afraid that we'll go back to the way it used to be. im afraid that it will reawaken the feelings I have for you. never mind if it did, but what if its stronger this time? and im too afraid that you would never catch me if I fall again...

you said you read my blogs. you felt my pain. im sorry about that. i didn't mean for you to feel it. you see, thats how i loved you. i didn't want you to get upset because of something i did. we're you jealous when you said that you read a bit about me giving my love to somebody else? i hope you are. bec that would mean that you still have feelings for me. but i know you're not. i can't give my love to someone else. not yet. 'coz im still trying to get it from you. im not rushing to fall in love again. i go out on dates bec i wanted to have fun and forget about you. but now i know that im being unfair to the other guy. if i have it my way, i will give him the love you didn't want.

you said you still love me. i hope its true. but do i believe you? im not sure. maybe. but do i feel it? nope. my mind said that you're just saying it to make me feel better. i hope that im wrong. and i hope you still do. 'coz i still do. but im no longer holding on. im tired holding on. we tried it once. we failed. im scared to try it again. silly me. how can i try it, when you're not even asking me? but no. i won't ask you. if you have wanted you have ask me a long time ago but you didn't. and i know that you would not want me to ask you too. you walked away and i let you bec i know that that's what you wanted. you hated it when i chased you. so i stopped. sometimes, i hated myself for stopping but i know that its for the best. sometimes, i hated myself for not fighting but i know that its a losing battle. i cant ask you to stay even if i wanted to. even if i didn't want to lose you, i lose you anyway. so, i stopped. i stopped hoping and wishing. the genie doesn't exist. i dont want to relieve the past either. and i know that i have to stop doing that. i want the past be forgotten with the hurts and the pains and the love i have for you.

leave me alone

by olive - dec 12, 2005

Stop! You don't have to talk to me just like before
Stop! You don’t have to call me just like before
Stop! ‘Coz you’re making it hard for me…

Don’t you see? I am moving on and I have told you that
I am not ready to talk to you
I am not ready to see you
I am not ready to get in touch with you

It’s different now; I have my own life to live
A life that doesn’t include you
So just stop! Leave me alone and let me move on

Stop! Don’t plague my mind with thoughts of you
Stop! Don’t pretend that nothing painful happened between us
Stop! Don’t make it hard for me

Can’t you see? You’re confusing me
You’re playing with my emotions
It’s different now; I have my own life to live
A life that doesn’t include you
So just stop! Leave me alone and let me move on

Just stop! ‘Coz I did…
I’ve stopped…
Wishing and hoping…
Thinking and dreaming…
Missing and loving…
The day I let you go.

So stop! Leave me alone and let me move on…

sa pagdating ng pasko...

i wrote this a year ago during a post xmas party while having a few drinks. my friends didn't have any idea that while i was tinkering on my mobile i was actually writing something.

by olive - dec 10, 2005

pasko ay nalalapit, di maramdaman
pangakong pagbabalik, nais kalimutan
tuwa ay lumipas, ngiti'y naglaho na
ningning sa mata'y di na makita

naisin ko mang kahapon natin sabay nating balikan
pag ibig sa puso ay di masumpungan
galit at hinampo aking dinamdam
ipikit man ang mata di makalimutan

anuman aking gawin, oras palipasin
lahat ng kaibigan, ako man ay aliwin
lunurin ang sarili sa saliw ng tugtugin
pag pikit ng mata, ikaw pa din ang hiling

espiritu ng inumin matapos maglaho
sakit ng kahapon narito pa dn sa puso
ngayong nalalapit na ang araw ng pasko
lalong masakit, hapdi sa puso ko

kayakap ang unan sa gabing malamig
kasiping ang luha hanggang sa mapikit
pinagsamahan natin di mawaglit sa isip
pilit binabalikan ng pusong makulit

tanong ng isip ko ay hanggang kailan
pilit hinahanap ang kasagutan
baligtarin ko man ang mundo, isip ko man ay malito
tanging ikaw pa dn tinitibok ng puso ko

sabihin man nilang martir, ilan may sabing baliw
bulong ng damdamin ko, tanging ikaw pa din
hanggang kailan ako maghihintay? aking katanungan
maaaring hanggang kaw ay malimutan o posible ding hanggang pasko ay dumaan...

the start of my goodbye

by olive - dec 8, 2005

not ever will i think of you
before i go to sleep
wondering how’s your day been

not ever will I think of you
when I wake up
wondering if you’re also thinking of me

not ever will I reminisce the good times
we shared together, for they will be like that
memories of the past

not ever will I relieve the pain and the heartaches
for they will have to be forgotten

not ever will I go to places we had been
for it will create pangs of hurt I’m trying to forget

not ever will I do the things that we used to do
for it will just destroy me

not ever…
and after this…

not ever will I remember you
and the past.. and our bittersweet memories…
for I am moving on
and saying goodbye…

have u ever wished upon a star?

by olive - dec 7, 2005

have u ever wished upon a star?
have u ever looked at the sky?
have u ever witnessed the falling of a shooting star?
have u ever seen the moon in its glorious beauty?
have u ever stared at the stars in its brightest?

have u ever felt the joy of falling in love?
have u ever felt the warmth of his embrace?
have u ever heard his laughter?
have u ever heard his life?
have u ever been in love?

have u ever felt the pain of betrayal and lost of trust?
have u ever felt the hurt of letting go?
have u ever felt the breaking of ur heart?

have u ever wished upon a star?

coz i do... and this is my last wish..

i wished..

that it would all be over..

so much love yet so much pain...

by olive - dec 7, 2005

i love you it hurts to see you walk away
i love you it pains me to let you go
i love you it drives me crazy
i love you it keeps me from moving on

but what can i do?
what else can i do to keep you from going away
?i did everything.. i gave you everything..
but i guess, its not enough

but what pains me most is...
knowing that you were gone
even before i let you go...

maximum heartache

by olive - dec 6, 2005

i may hav cryd a rver
bt my tears wer nt enuf 2 mke an ocean

be proud... 4 sum1 had blindly fallen n luv wd u
bt its ur lost.. not mine

4 sum1 wil nt love u
as much as i do

Before you let go...

I have had enough. No, do not try to reason with me, this is too much. I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of. No, I will not even think of you while I am eating my lunch wondering if you are doing the same thing, because eventually I know you will. No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. In addition, no, never will i again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please do not plague me in my dreams. I am moving on. I will try to wake up in the morning, smile, and think not of why you left but that once you stayed. And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one man I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the man who left. I will give my affections to any man who is need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he is here, you are not. I will try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I will just try to smile. I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go..

A Love Letter for The One Who Got Away

Quite a long read but nice. Makes me think that im not alone...
Got this from Girl Talkers forum...

http://www2.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php?topic=80774.0

Hi! How are you?

You know what? I thought of you today. I don't know how, in the midst of my most hectic days, thoughts of you manage to squeeze their way into my mind. I don't know how you do it, considering that I haven't heard from you for four years now. Come to think of it, I didn't even realize until now that it has been four years. Four years, so many "relationships" since then, and yet, I still go back to you.

I know, it's not your fault we're not even friends anymore. After all, I was the one who changed numbers and didn't tell you. But please understand that, at that time, I thought it was the best way to go for both of us. I couldn't get the closure that I wanted, because I knew you were just a text away. Besides, back then, I was considering dating one of my closest friends seriously, and the only way I could possibly do that without going crazy was by cutting you off. I'm sorry for that.

I was the ultimate cynic before I met you, and I know I shouldn't be reminding you of this, because you know this so well. I was the girl who was terrified to commit, terrified to lay her heart out on the open, terrified to gamble, for the weirdest and most confusing reasons…

Actually, now that I had so much time to think about it, my phobia back then can actually be summed up in four words: fear of getting hurt. I was so petrified at the thought of getting hurt, that I made people believe that I regarded them closely, but actually dealt with them at arms' length. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I originally planned to do the same with you. Of course, you wouldn't allow me. That was one of the reasons why, I believe, I fell for you.

My love life, predictably, has a very sad and sorry cycle. Guy X falls for me. I fall for him. He tries to get close to me. I place him at a safe distance. He tries to get closer. I push him farther away. He gets tired of trying. I get tired of myself. We let go. I try bitterly to move on. I meet Guy Y, but I can't deal with him too well because I'm still moping about Guy X. And the cycle repeats itself almost automatically. I know that to be happy, you have to gamble, but I was never a good risk taker. Not until after you.

You were unlike any guy I've ever met before. You were a spoiled brat who was used to getting what he wanted in an instant. Admittedly, I was a spoiled brat too. So we clashed. You hated all the things that I loved, and I loathed all the things that interested you. It was a match made in hell. But somehow, for some unknown reason, you stayed put.

I still don't know how you did it. Somehow, someway, you managed to pull the rug off from under me. And before I even knew what was happening, I had been swept off my feet.

I remember just now, how the simplest of your gestures can make me so giddy. I remember how I was when I used to wait for your call. I used to shudder in anticipation of hearing your voice, literally speaking. And when you text me, it was like nothing else mattered-at all.

I can vaguely remember the kilig feeling, but I know that it felt like my insides were turning to mush, my muscles were dissolving in electricity, and butterflies were hammering against my throat. I know, they don't sound too good in print, but they are, in actuality, the best feelings in the world.

I remember, still quite vividly, how the mere memory of your laugh was enough to make me smile, and how the mere sound of your voice had been enough to brighten up the darkest of my days. I remember looking forward to waking up every morning, because I knew it would be another day to communicate with you. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was falling for you. Somehow, however, I tried to bury them to the deepest recesses of my heart in the hope of vanquishing them forever.

I remember quite well how you told me, countless of times, how much you loved me. Unfortunately, I am also constantly reminded how cruel I was. Because every time you said you cared, I always found ways to avoid answering back. I'd tell you, "I like you as a person," or I'd say, "Mushy!" It got to the point, however, that I got tired of making up ways to avoid your question that I just told you, "You know I can't answer that right now." I'm so darn stupid! I would always have to stop from banging myself against the wall when I remember how badly I treated you. And, I know, no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry, nothing would ever change anything.

You asked me once why I liked you. And I told you, "Because you make me happy." And you know what? You really did. You made me happy, in a way that I never thought I could ever be. I thank you for that.

To tell you honestly, I don't remember how you look like. I can only remember certain aspects. But I do remember, so very well, the sound of your voice, your musical laughter, and sadly, even the distant and angry tone of your voice as we neared our goodbyes.

Maybe I'll never forget you. Maybe I'll never live down the fact that I had you - but I let you go. Was it that, or was it that I had you, but I did not work hard, did not fight hard enough to make you stay? I don't know. I don't want to think, and I don't believe that now is the time to rationalize about these things. Because the truth of the matter is, you're gone.

I hate living this life, knowing that I'll be thinking of these "what if's" for the rest of my life. I hate wishing that I could turn back time, so that I could correct all my mistakes, took all the risks I should have taken, and reached for your hand when you held it out for me. But it's too late for that, and it's not even plausible anyway.

I can't help but wonder, once in a while, how you're doing. I wonder if you're happy, or if some lucky creature is making you happy. I wonder if you still think of me, or even just remember that I exist. Because I think of you. Every single day, against my will, against my better judgment. I've fooled myself long enough to believe that you're not important in my life, not essential to my existence. I'm tired of my own masquerade. I just want to acknowledge the fact that yes, you have touched my life, even if I have acknowledged this too late.

A lot of people say, "There are many fishes in the sea." They weren't lying. I found that out myself after we separated ways. I dated like hell when you said goodbye, trying to numb myself from the pain, trying to ignore the emptiness that was left with the vacuum that you created in my life. But you know what? At the end of the day, it was still you. I couldn't find the special spark that I found in you, not even in better-looking or funnier or smarter or richer guys. They didn't have the magic that you had. They couldn't make my insides melt with a smile. They couldn't ease away all my pains with a call. Simply put, they were not you. Yes, they were many, but none of them was you.

I wish you could see me now. I believe I can safely say that I'm a much better person now than I was four years ago. I have a better perspective on life and love. I don't make up fights anymore just to make things interesting. I don't make up stories anymore to test how much people love me. I don't play mind games anymore. And when I feel something, I say it. I'm not afraid to love anymore. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm no longer afraid to take risks. I just wish you were here to see the new, different me. But then again, that could never happen, no matter how hard I try to wish for it.
You know what? Because of you, I promised myself a few things. I promised myself that I would never be afraid to fall or get hurt. I promised myself that I would take risks, seize opportunities, and conquer my fears. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I used to believe that when you lose someone, you'll get a chance to meet them again. I used to believe in second chances. Losing you has taught me that there are no second chances in life. When you meet someone, and you are given that chance to change their lives, you have to take hold of that opportunity, because that is the only chance you've got. You have your chance, and that's it. You have to make the most out of it, and then let go when it's time. People come and go, and you have to live with it.

I constantly have to remind myself that you've done your part in my life. You taught me the lesson you came to teach, so you have to leave. I have to move on. I shouldn't wait. But I can't help it.

God, I miss you so much...

of vodka, tequila, margarita and bacardi..

by olive - dec 5, 2005

when i'm feeling down and lonely..
when i'm in pain and i want to forget..
when i'm having sleepless nights...

i turn to friends for comfort and assurance...
we have girl talks over some drinks...
drowning myself with alcohol (even if i'm not a good drinker)
i prided myself that its better to feel
the hang over brought by alcohol
compared to the pain of having a heart broken.

until when...
i dont know.. i've asked myself that questions a thousand times
but i still cant figure it out
am i living in the past?
i dont know.. i wished i'm not..
'coz i want to move on and get myself back.
i know putting myself back on track is not an easy process
but first things first... i have to let go and move on
when and how to start? i dont know...
i'm still trying to figure it out...
a friend said that 'he's not worth the tears and the time so dont linger on the past'
another said 'find some time and make urself busy..
discover happpiness that doesnt include him'
i washed away the tears and the pain by drinking...
even if its just for a while

heavens may cry for me
friends may listen in all my qualms
but in the end, it still depends on me...
if i really want to let go or hold back...
i dont know... the feelings i have for him is still so strong
so strong that it still consumes me and my whole being
i know i have to stop.. sooner or later..
or all the efforts of forgetting him and
forgiving myself will all be in vain..

in time i will

by olive - nov 2, 2005

my mind and my heart are fighting
my heart said "love him and give it another chance"
my mind said "dont be stupid, he's just lying"

my mind and my heart are fighting
my mind said "i need a break, i need to mellow, to forget and to move on"
my heart said "i need to be with you"

my mind and my heart are fighting
my heart said "accept the fact that you're two different persons and that he's too far away, and just believe that he loves me"
my mind said "stop! thats not supposed to happen"

my mind asked my heart "when are you going to stop and listen?"
my heart told my mind "i will stop when i dont love him anymore.
i know i'm loving blindly but you dont fall out of love in a day.
you dont forget in day. you dont let go in a day. you dont move on in day. in time, i will."