i feel so blessed

i may not be feeling really well when it comes to the affairs of my heart.. probably, my friends from afar can sense it.. no, its just mere coincidences. but just this afternoon, i got a phone call and an sms from my 2 close friends. na-miss din nila ko :)

rare moments like this.. actually, makes me sad and happy at the same time. syempre, nami-miss ko din kase sila. pag naiisip ko ung life i left behind, it may not be full of love on a romantic side, pero i know that i have real friends who are worth my time. i love them dearly :)

kita mo naman, after 3 months.. they are still thinking of me :)

baket naisip ko sya?

there are days that im not writing anything, but there are moments where i am feeling a lot. today is just one of those days. i just wish that i can be so carefree... flying like a bird, not a care in this world. but im not, i can never be.

there was an earthquake in china. for a while there, i remembered something, someone. nope, its not as if the world stopped revolving once again for me. no, its not like that. its just, he's there, he lives there. i dont know where, but he's out there. i know that china is a big country but i will always associate china with him. because he's there.. i know, i've said before that i dont really care. yeah, i still dont. but i certainly dont wish him harm as well..

walang kadala dala

ewan ko ba. alam mo yung feeling na para kang napapag-tripan? ganyan ang feeling ko kanina. at ganyan din ang feeling ko after some time na mag-break kame ni super ex. napag-tripan lang ako. sana wala namang pustahan di ba? o kaya kung meron man, sana sinabihan ako.. baka sakaling nagka-pera pa ko. pwede naman akong maki-ride diba?

ewan ko ba. dikolam kung san ko naman nakuha ang idea na ganito. my imaginations sucks big time. imagine, mag-i-imagine lang din ako, yung pangit pa. masyadong pessimistic. pero ano naman ang magagawa ko, ganyan ang feeling ko ngayon. ang hirap i-divert ng isip into something positive. kase kahit anong isip ko, it wont never happen. it wont never worked. it didnt work before, certainly, it wont work this time. before, wala akong kalaban, distance lang. ngayon, may iba pa. so, how on earth, it can possibly work???

ewan ko ba. dikolam what im really driving at. dikolam why am i writing again when i've told and written here a number of times that i wont. i just want to pretend that really nothing is happening. which in fact is the truth.

ewan ko ba. sana i can always be deadma like this in front of him. as if it really doesn't matter. pero sabi nga ng friend ko, affected daw ako. cguro nga, kse if not, i wont be writing about this, or him, over and over again. pero mas ok na 'to, kase naman ipunin ko lahat until it piles up. i dont want to find myself suddenly exploding, and worse in front of him. he really doesn't need to know everything. its enough na affected ako behind his back. iits enough that i can just pretend na i really really dont care. hayy...

i know i should not

my head is spinning.. and once again, i found myself contemplating if i should be writing this. .. and feeling like this, i know i should not. i dont have any hold against you. i dont even know you. i dont know what happened but i found myself falling unto the pit that i've created. its a fantasy now turning to be a nightmare. no, im not helpless.. if there's something, i wanna be hopeful. but i know i should not. if this is a nightmare, i need to wake up soon.. now, if i can. unfortunately, its not that easy. i dont have any questions, you did nothing wrong. you've been really good to me. i think that's where everything started...

when i found myself writing silly stories and poems, i knew its a hopeless case. i was in this same road before. it may entirely be a far far different story and the intensity of feelings are really not the same, but still, it hurts. it hurts knowing that i cannot have you.. not even for a while, not even in my dreams... because, i just know that i should not.

you have a world of your own. and for all i know -- in your world, i dont even exist.

ang aking pandesal

i was talking to a very good friend, one of our favorite topic is my non-existent love life. kinikilig daw sya pag kinukwento ko sa kanya ang mga 'misadventures' ko sa king frog prince. for the sake of this blog, i'll drop a name even though i've said before that i wont.. well, did not i say that i wont talk about him. anyway, there's no stopping me now. im just hoping that it wont backfire!!! back to name, we call him.. kermit hehe why? because he's a frog nga!!! bad ko ba? actually, he has not done me anything bad. and i guess, thats the problem. he seems too good to be true? he is, if not for the gf!!! ouch!!!

anyway, she advised me to look somewhere else. eh pano nga yun? sabi ko sa kanya ang gusto ko 'pandesal'.. kahit na bigyan nya ko ng pizza, sa pandesal pa din ako.. siguro pag nagsawa, napagod at nasanay na ko sa pandesal.. pwede na ko sa pizza, sa brioche, sa egg sandwich.. pero ngayon, pandesal lang ang gusto ko.. kahit na ang pandesal, pag-aari na ng iba :( ouch!!!

sabi ko pa, i will always be on guard. sana nga, my goodness! i dont even know him! sana, feeling na lang ako.. this phase shall pass too..soon, sana. for now, di naman ako pwede mag-dedma na lang. bad yun! plus, he's not doing anything bad. ako lang naman talaga ang problem.. im feeding the mind, hopefully, not the heart.

so ang tanong na lang is: until when would i want my pandesal? i dont know. i dont even have an idea. baka yun na nga, pag nagsawa na ko. or nasanay na ko na ganun lang sya talaga. ah ewan! pati ako nalalabuan sa sarili ko. kala ko pa naman, maaga ang happy ending ko dito.. di pa pala. hayy..

at ewan ko ba dito sa kaibigan ko at baket kinikilig sya sa min??? naisip kase nya na baket kelangan magparamdam sa umaga kung di naman ako tatanungin ng tungkol sa work. pwede di ba? pero baka naman sa lahat ng ka-team namin ganun sya hehe o baka naman nambobola lang? ah ewan!

basta, gusto ko pa din ng pandesal!!