bored and busy

i have a lot of things to do and my hands are full with work, however, i still feel bored. i used to say that boredom is just a state of mind. but lately, my mind is somewhere else so.. bored nga ako hehe

what to do when you're bored... i checked GT already, tried to gather some infos on how to tweak my friendster account -- gawin ko 'to tonight after ko magplantsa, mag-footscrub, magbasa ng book at makpagchat.. may time pa kaya ako matulog nito? -- see? i've got loads in my hands pero bored pa din ako.

anyway, since wala ako magawa aside tumingin sa pc ko at magpanggap na naiintindihan ko kung anuman ang ginagawa ko.. i visited my blog and read on old stuffs.

oh well, im not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. devoid of emotions pa din ata ako. pero eto lang, reading those stuffs i've written, i realized na masyado ata talaga akong nasaktan kaya i was able to write those entries. eh pag iniisip ko ngayon, san ko nahugot yung mga ganung klaseng emotions, ndi ko na ma-gets eh.. san? san? o maybe someone has written them for me.. mag-alter ego pa ba ko?! nope, that was me.

there were days na i try to reckon his face, the good memories. pero wala na ko maalala. is this some kind of selective amnesia? di naman siguro.. feelings? lalo ng wala hehe di naman ako bitter noh?! maybe after more than 2 years, resolving my own issues and accepting all my faults.. i let go, it could be my fault as much as it was his, pero.. its over now.. i've forgiven myself for being so dumb and stupid and doing a lot of things that i should have not done just for the sake of that so-called feeling of bliss.

then, what's next? im still trying to find where im destined to go. before everything happened, i knew where i was going. and its just a question of when. and then the course of the wind changed. suddenly, i found myself lost. siguro, yun na lang. up to now, im still trying to find my way back. i still feel lost pero i know in time, i will find the path that i should have taken two years ago.

now, i will try to write as often as i can. pero if writing is going to be synonymous to heartaches.. eh di wag na lang. baka di ko na kayanin pag naulit pa yun.
di din naman ako writer para magkaron ng writer's block.

baka nga siguro, busy lang..

untitled

this post has been written and rewritten but i still could not find the courage to post it. 'coz im waiting for my happy ending. unfortunately, that tiny silver lining that i have is slowly vanishing from my sight.. but i'm still holding on...

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i've written this same blog a few months ago but decided not to post for fear of getting jinxed. anyway, the fear resurfaced but i still want to talk about it.

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when i was in my elementary days, my ambition just like almost everyone i know was to become a teacher. a simple as that.

it changed when my cousin who's already working at the time, started climbing the corporate ladder. she's so successful in her chosen field that i've decided to follow into her footsteps.

by high school, i wanted to take chemical engineering. well, up to now, ate susan is still working. she's a US resident now and working at the same company. anyway, my sister who excels in chemistry, physics and sciences embarked on that same journey.. pero mas magaling pa din ako sa knya hehe

by the time i graduate, i was at loss on the course that i should take. add to it the fact that i was not sure if i was going to continue my studies. my three older siblings were also at school at the time, the family could not afford another one. i was eager to go back to school and no one or nothing can stop me, my sister gave way for a year or a sem. i enrolled and she didn't. but not in the course that i intended to take, i took up computer science because from what i remember, my father wanted one of us to take it but no one did.

and now comes the real start of my story.

on my last sem in school, i was already working part time on my professor's office. i was like a tester to a software. i was like auditing a book written in foreign language. little did i know that this job will be my career.

upon graduation, i started looking for job. i didn't know if everyone expected me to be employed first. i never asked them. maybe they weren;t, but i was. and i didn't. that was when i could not go out and meet my friends because i was jobless and they're not. how could that be right?

and then my biggest opportunity came along. i still reckon what sir joey asked me during my interview... have you ever applied to any other job? i replied yes. i had pending applications to major banks in manila. and why? because i thought that computer science graduate like me had bigger chances of being employed there and besides in the province, banks are the major establishments. up to now, i didn't know what he saw in me. but he really made a difference in my life. he gave me a career. and i stayed with the company for 6 years.

after that, i moved to metro for 10 months. i knew my team leads wanted me to extend my contract but they also knew that few months on my contract, i was already ready to go. modesty aside, i had a few options at the time.. i had job offers from r**, g** and another company. but still i decided to go on vacation for two months overseas while waiting for a better opportunity. when i came back, i already have a work.. yipee! and i vowed that im gonna be happy with this one because i've waited for it and i prayed hard for it. i was happy with the company, the culture and i was even going to the US for my training. unfortunately, i could not wait for the project to start. when a former colleague mentioned that their company is looking for a tester (this is overseas by the way), i immediately submitted my resume. i was happy with the company, alright, and i would not trade it with any other company based in the philippines. but this was one opportunity i could not pass. its overseas, man! and it was my childhood dream to work overseas and live on my own.

oh well, unfortunately.. i didn't get the job. i guess, they could not understand the way i speak hehe

or maybe, the LORD has better plans for me.. 'coz after a few weeks, i resigned and work overseas.. and up to now, im still here. struggling and making a living in a country i call my second home.

when i look back, i feel that.. career wise, i am lucky. i never had a rest from work without my consent for the past ten years that i've been communicating with my desktop. however, something's still missing. and im trying to find that jigsaw piece to complete the puzzle.
a few months ago, everything in our project team is going downward. maybe its not few months, maybe its been years.. but now, we can totally feel it. everyone's leaving. i've thought about leaving too, before anyone else did. however, i am still here. what happened in those times.. read on..

almost a year after landing here, i got to experience a lot of things. i feel like a slave and of course, it didn't make me happy. when a colleague moved on and some of her works were given to me. i did the most illogical thing to do. maybe, out of hatred or desperation with my situation, i applied for a job and got offered. well, of course i was so glad. i did not really think that that's gonna be easy. i was no longer marketable and confident when it comes to this field. however happy i was and the offer tempting, i decided to stick due to monetary and contract reasons.

i stick to where i am and up to now, just like i said, im still here. stucked.

last year, i forwarded my resume to a friend overseas thinking that maybe its time to move on and move out of a place i once called prison, i got a chance to prove my worth and unfortunately, GOD has other plans for me. so even if i really like that job, that place, that company.. i didn't continue pursuing it. but my friend didn't give up. last july, i got a call from them again. they told me tat i will hear from them after a week, but i didn't even after sending them an email asking for updates. well, i move on again. but still, i didn't look for other opportunities.

after almost three months, i decided finally.. that i have to seriously look for a job. i updated my resume. forwarded it to some consulting firms and to my friend. i didn't have to wait for long and i got a call from all of them. the first one, the overseas job who i though was just scheduling me for another set of techies. but to my surprise, it was a final interview already over video. not just the normal, video that we.. online people used to do ha.. they contacted a third party firm for this one. the first schedule was rescheduled. the second one was cancelled. eventually, it pushed through. dont ask me how it went. 'coz thats the part i hated the most.

anyway, up to now after more than a wk, im still waiting for their updates.

my silver lining, last tuesday my friend asked the hr for any updates. they said " did well on her vtc and we're dealing with some formalities at the minute. i really cant discuss at present, but we'll be in touch with her soon."

they said that they're going to contact me but its more than a week now and i haven't heard ni-ha ni-ho from them :(

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anyway, im gonna wait.. i waited for them a year, what's another week or two, right?! its just that.. the suspense is killing me..