A Letter For You

by olive - dec 19, 2005

we talked... we talked about us not talking. you said it's just weird. you wanted me to be the old me once again. obviously, i cant. the old me was once in love with you. come to think of it, it's ironic. we're now in reverse. we broke up bec we talked a lot. i talked a lot. i had all your space you couldn't breathe anymore. so, i gave your space back to you. it was hard though. us, not talking... even if it's just for a while. i never thought that that's gonna be our ending. sometimes, i can still feel the pain. sometimes, i can still feel my love you. sometimes, alcohol just can't wipe the tears away. and now, you wanted me to talk. it's weird. i wanted to talk to you too. but its hard. im afraid that talking to you would remind me of the hurts and the pains im trying to forget. im afraid that we'll go back to the way it used to be. im afraid that it will reawaken the feelings I have for you. never mind if it did, but what if its stronger this time? and im too afraid that you would never catch me if I fall again...

you said you read my blogs. you felt my pain. im sorry about that. i didn't mean for you to feel it. you see, thats how i loved you. i didn't want you to get upset because of something i did. we're you jealous when you said that you read a bit about me giving my love to somebody else? i hope you are. bec that would mean that you still have feelings for me. but i know you're not. i can't give my love to someone else. not yet. 'coz im still trying to get it from you. im not rushing to fall in love again. i go out on dates bec i wanted to have fun and forget about you. but now i know that im being unfair to the other guy. if i have it my way, i will give him the love you didn't want.

you said you still love me. i hope its true. but do i believe you? im not sure. maybe. but do i feel it? nope. my mind said that you're just saying it to make me feel better. i hope that im wrong. and i hope you still do. 'coz i still do. but im no longer holding on. im tired holding on. we tried it once. we failed. im scared to try it again. silly me. how can i try it, when you're not even asking me? but no. i won't ask you. if you have wanted you have ask me a long time ago but you didn't. and i know that you would not want me to ask you too. you walked away and i let you bec i know that that's what you wanted. you hated it when i chased you. so i stopped. sometimes, i hated myself for stopping but i know that its for the best. sometimes, i hated myself for not fighting but i know that its a losing battle. i cant ask you to stay even if i wanted to. even if i didn't want to lose you, i lose you anyway. so, i stopped. i stopped hoping and wishing. the genie doesn't exist. i dont want to relieve the past either. and i know that i have to stop doing that. i want the past be forgotten with the hurts and the pains and the love i have for you.