broken..

ganito pala ang feeling ng broken hearted.. parang gusto ko nang bumalik sa singapore and be comforted by my friends, magpakalunod sa alcohol and run away from eveything. again, i'd imagine myself resurrecting from the depths of my heartaches. masakit pala :'(

syempre, kakayanin.. kinaya ko nun, kaya ko ngayon.. whatever im feeling right now, wala to sa kalingkingan ng pinagdaanan ko before..

...

someday, somewhere, i will find that one special person who will make me feel that i am not just an option but I AM his choice..

mahal na nga ba kita?

i cant remember why you happened to ask me that question, what we were talking at the time. no, let me phrase it.. you asked 'do you love me?' i knew you were in a playful mood yesterday. we were dancing around in circles for as long as i can remember, i dont want to use flirting. its kind of bringing a negative term to me. i just enjoyed talking with you, me a feisty one. but you caught me off guard with that question, you made me uncomfortable.

well, of course, you didnt know that. i never said a thing. i just kept quiet. but that question made me ponder. love is such a profound word and i dont know if im even capable of feeling or giving it. of course, i want to. for a long time, i've been waiting for that moment to happen. but probably not with you. my life is melodramatic enough without you in it, i dont think my vulnerable heart could afford to take off its shield for you.

i just hope that not saying anything would let you know how i truly feel. i do like you, what isn't about you that's not likeable. but love? no, i dont know you enough to love you. for all i know, that's just one of your silly games again :(

goodnight my love

goodnight my love
don't fear the night
i'll stay by your side
you won't be alone
i'll guard and protect you
not in any way hurt you
i'll chase away your bad dreams
and eventually,
the darkness will subside.

tomorrow is another day
we will start our forever
i'll grow old with you
share my dreams with you
i'll promise not to break this vow
and together,
we'll write new story of our life
i'll be a loving husband
and you'll be my perfect wife.

completely, absolutely in love

be still my heart
thud thud thud
its sound beating fast
and i know, deep inside
im completely, absolutely in love

our fingers intertwined
eyes only for each other
dreaming big dreams together
and i know, deep inside
im completely, absolutely in love

.. sigh, if only it was all true. im desperately trying to finish the poem but since i haven't experience this kind of feeling for ages, i found it hard to put them into words.. kaya ganyan na lang muna sya, unfinished :(

sabi ng friend ko, pano ko daw matatapos kung di ako naghahanap.. well, being a hopeless romantic, i told her.. love will find me at the right time, at the right moment.. and it will be magically true. because he found me when i am hidden, because i got him when i least expect it.

... sigh, ang tanda ko na.. naniniwala pa din ako sa fairy tale.. that would be my happy ever after, when i got my prince. after that, i'll face reality. from there, we'll see if we can live happily ever after..

he will be the air that i breathe
and i will be the earth that he walk on
he will be my summer in snowy winter days
and i will be the flower that blooms on his fall

he will be my morning kiss
my sunshine on a gloomy sky
a rainbow on my rainy day
and i, i will be his life...

an oath to the one

i wont promise you my life
because it's the only thing i have
i wont give you the sun, moon, stars and sky
you already have them on your hand...

dont depend your happiness on my smiles
it is never gonna lasts
there would be teardrops along the way
but it wont make us apart...

i wont guarantee that ours would be a blissful relationship
and expect that there will be bumpy roads ahead
but i wont never ever leave your side
and i'll make sure you got me all your life...

i wont give up my dreams for you
but i'd definitely share it with you
i would stand by your side and forever be true
this i promise, all my life, i'll be there for you...

and if by chance and by time, we drift apart
my love will sustain all the hurt
just dont let me see you turn your back
'coz that would mean i've lost my life...

twilight quotes i love

im done reading the twilight series.. i watched the movie twice, read the twilight book twice and fell in love with edward a lot of times.. if only he lives in the real world.. but then again, i would not want a bloodsucker for a boyfriend.. that would really really be scary!

a woman can only dream.. and i can only want to be somebody else's bella.

Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorius. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon.

So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?

Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.

You already know how I feel, of course. I’m here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn’t make myself be afraid. I couldn’t think of anything, except that he was touching me.

If I’d ever feared death before in his presence, it was nothing compared to how I felt now.

Are you sure you won’t vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all.

He laughed, and then began to hum that same, unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel, soft in my ear.

I think I forgot to breathe.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re really not as scary as you think you are. I don’t find you scary at all, actually.

I love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens now.

But it won’t be all right when I’m not with you.

The minutes passed and Edward’s arrival grew closer. It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.

This couldn’t be heaven, could it? There was too much pain for that.

Stay, Edward, stay with me…

I heard my favorite sound in the world: Edward’s quiet laugh, weak with relief.

Death shouldn’t be this uncomfortable.

Don’t forget to breathe.

He didn’t say anything; he watched my face warily as the pain that had nothing to do with broken bones, pain that was infinitely worse, threatened to crush me.

I can’t always be Lois Lane. I want to be Superman, too.

You are my life. You’re the only thing it would hurt me to lose.

If you’re waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I’ve got news for you! I was just there!

I may not die now… but I’m going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I’m going to get old.

You’re talking about forever, you know.

His eyes were melting all my fury. It was impossible to fight with him when he cheated like that.

It’s not the end, it’s the beginning.

Mostly I dream about being with you forever.

I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?


and who would not fall in love with the gorgeous and dazzling edward? and a smooth talker too!

I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it’s much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that’s probably just because it’s you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes.

Your number was up the first time I met you.

Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.

It’s twilight. It’s the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way…the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?

So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me-if you con’t come home?

Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?

That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really not in you’re best interest.

I’m essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should.

To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.

Who were you, an insignificant little girl, to chase me from the place I wanted to be?

You’re intoxicated by my very presence.

For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.

Just because I’m resisting the wine doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the bouquet.

You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.

I may not be a human, but I am a man.

You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it’s not fair.

Shall I explain how you are tempting me?

What am I going to do with you? Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!

And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?

Finally, a rational response! I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all.

I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you’ll run away from me, screaming as you go. I won’t stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…

Damn it, Bella! You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.

I love you. It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true.

If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?

It’s like you’ve taken half my self away with you.

You can sleep, sweetheart, I’ll carry you.

I don’t seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you’ll get your way… whether it kills you or not.

It’s possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity.

Bella, we’re not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that’s the end of it.

Bella, I won’t let anything hurt you — not even yourself. I won’t let go of you once, I promise.

He called you pretty. That’s practically an insult, the way you look right now. You’re much more than beautiful.

Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end.

So ready for this to be the end, for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You’re ready to give up everything.

I’m not worth it.

I will stay with you — isn’t that enough?

Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever.

adik sa'yo

... awit sa akin
Bilang sawa na saking mga kwentong marathon
Tungkol sayo at sa ligayang iyong hatid
Sa aking buhay tuloy ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw

ako ay isang self-confessed addict.. addicted sa gamot, di bawal na gamot. gaya ng mga nakalipas na panahon, eto na naman ako at dinalaw ng aking paboritong karamdaman. walang tigil na ubo :( at ang araw ko ay di nabubuo ng walang tissue, vitamin c, sangkatutak na baso ng warm water, antibiotic, anti allergy at cough syrup. kahit na high ako sa gamot, gising pa din ang diwa ko sa pagsapit ng gabi. malaki na ang eye bugs ko. kung effective lang ang sleeping pill sa kin, baka lumaklak na din ako nun. unfortunately, pag may ubo ako.. di ako tinatablan ng sleeping pill..

sino ang nagsabi na heaven ang dala ng gamot? baket di ganyan ang feeling ko?!

update...

it's been a long time again.. writing has taken a back seat for a while, as usual. well, there's not much to write for one. my schedule is pretty much the same:
930am - go to work
6pm - go home
from 6pm to 11pm - dinner with leny/norvs (granted they are also at home), watch tv till 11 if its tues/wed, read book in between or chat on the phone
11pm to 1am - surf the net
1am - bed time

im done reading twilight, new moon and eclipse! cant wait to start on breaking dawn.. i can relate to bella for being a magnet to accidents. i was like her back in my school days. clumsy, weakling, i still am, i think.. but there are no hovering bloodsuckers and werewolves around me :)

im leaving for the US tomorrow, cant wait.. im anxiously waiting, i supposed. its a long story and im not in the mood to write. i want to be positive about it :)

somebody told me that im different now.. i never noticed that. well, i was grumpy last wk and i feel like im always at my wit's end lately but im still the same. might be the weather getting into me, depressing and cold. nevertheless, im ok.. kind of quiet lately. probably because im anxiously waiting.. as i've said. but it's still me. cguro, may onting sadness in my eyes. i wonder why...

cguro, malamig lang ang pasko at lalong pinalamig ng weather dito :P

...

let these tears i shed
wash away the pain,
the heartbreak and longing
for the love i cannot have,
the hand i cannot hold
the face i cannot touch...

The Awakening

The Awakening
by Sonny Carroll

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice
inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

running away...

- written sept 19

oce a year, every sept 18 or 19, i take a day off from work. it started 5 years ago. coincidentally for the first 2 years. and when my world came crushing down during that date on the second year, i've been taking a rest and running away from the world since.

why do i do that? to remind myself that i am just human. once burned and wounded. and that made me realized that i have so much strength, more than i can imagine. that i have really good friends that i can rely on, who's willing to give me shoulders to cry on.

when i told my friends here that i was on leave yday, they kept on asking me why.. of course, i dont want anyone to know my reasons. its too much complicated. sometimes, i cant even comprehend why i am doing that... be sad, cry, sulk when i know that i've moved on.. but these dates will always have a bad effect on me. it reminded me of a lot of things... thats why i just want to runaway and not think of anything.. leave everything behind, not a care in this world.

he asked why. he kept on asking me even guessing on the possible reasons, he doesn't want to see me sad he says. he said that he couldn't have been the reason since we dont know each other last year.. he could have been my reason this year, but of course he's not. but he made me even sadder. knowing that he's showing his concern and i couldn't tell him why... if i can only runaway again today too :(

that's love

like a morning sunshine,
it lightens up your day
like a flower in springtime,
it brings out the radiant beauty within

like a song, as if you get touched by an angel
like the stars, it brightens up the darkness night

but some good things never last...

like a thunder shattering glasses,
it will break you into pieces
like a roaring wave destroying sand castles,
it will shatter what little dreams you have

you fall in love
stay in love
it makes you happy, mad, complete, crazy
some days, all at the same time
and when you get to the edge
you let go
you move on
thats life
thats love...

pasko...

112 days to go before that much awaited holiday season
106 days left before i go to the States and see my brother and his family.

I am already listening to Christmas carols..
But why do I still feel gloomy? :'(

hiram

dikolam kung san mag uumpisa. o kung pano nag umpisa. nag usap tayo, tinanong kita, sumagot ka. may kulang. dahil paikot ikot lang ang naging usapan natin. hanggang walang kinahantungan. paligoy ligoy. para tayong lasing na di nagtutugma ang sagot sa tanong.

gusto mo kong kausap, paminsan minsan. pag naiinip ka. pag wala kang kausap. naaaliw ka. or wala lang. walang magtyagang kausap ka. ako lang. o natutuwa ka pag kausap ako, ano ako clown? tinanong kita kung bakit. na dapat di ko ginawa. dapat pinigilan ko ang sarili ko magtanong. para kong tinulak ang sarili ko sa bangin. na buti na lang di mo pinatulan. dikolam kung sino ang mas sensible sa ting dalawa. ikaw na di pumatol pero parang gustong pumatol o ako na sa umpisa pa lang alam ko na dapat di na umabot sa ganito.

wala, wala pa namang kinahantungan ang lahat. di pa man nag uumpisa, naudlot na. wala kang sinabi, sinagot mo pero di mo sinagot ang tanong ko. naisin ko mang mag usisa, alam kong di dapat. at dapat di na natin pag usapan yan. tapos na ang kabaliwan na dapat di na sinimulan.

di ko na kelangan alamin ano ba ako para sayo. wala namang mababago kahit malaman ko. di mo man aminin, alam mo na alam ko na meron kang iba at ano man meron tayo, ay mga sandaling hiram lamang.

talk to me...

u have to understand
there will be days that i wont say a thing
even if you asked me to
but that doesn't mean that i dont want to talk to you

i cant talk to you all the time
even if thats what i want to do all day
even if there's really nothing to talk about
'coz it would just break my heart

u have to understand
i need to protect my heart
not from falling apart
but by making a fool of myself

i am just borrowing time
and when that momentary bliss
fades away
i'll be left all alone, unwanted

thats why.. i cant talk to you

somehow

in the serenity of my surroundings,
i found chaos
my thoughts are endless
searching for something
for within, there's only emptiness

i am lost
even words seem hard to find
i feel restless, tired, bored
dumbstruck for whatever is happening
in my so-called non existent lovelife

i found myself on that same road
i've travelled a few years back
i never wanted to embark on that same journey
but somehow, fate meddled
and once again, i can only blame myself

now, its but right to believe
that somehow,
my fantasy and fairy tales
never collide with reality
and i just need to wake up

and that somehow, i found it hard to do just that
if i can have it my way, i would just sleep for as long as i want
so i can still hold you in my dreams
there, i can keep u mine
but then again, i wouldn't want that to happen

finding love

i am so lucky to have found love, only to realized that i cannot share it with you...

im getting bored and getting used to it..

im writing again.. i think i may be doing this regularly esp now that i will have a lot of free time on my hands. work is no longer that demanding.. a good thing and a bad thing. i can go home early, thats good.. but what to do at home? that made me think.. im getting bored staying at home and doing nothing.. by nothing, i meant like cooking, reading, surfing the net, watching tv or burning the phone lines. i wanna do something else that doesn't involve books, laptop, tv or phones. i cant think of anything else unless i wanna do outdoors. gardening: nah.. i wanted flowers but i dont have the green thumb to even think about planting. sports: nah.. i dont play any. i've never played any except for that one badminton day that even my very good friend quits on teaching me. knitting: over my dead body haha thats going to be the last thing that i would wanna do!

so, i would just probably try my hands in writing again.. look at the stars at night and maybe i can find an inspiration on those shining little dots :P

.. and the cycle goes on

sometimes, i get too tired of myself. i wonder what my friends are feeling whenever i complain or make kwento about what happened for the day. i could be stressing them with my rants. hell! i stress myself!

after super ex, it took me a long time to recover. no, there's no alcohol every night for two years and no, i didnt do stupid things (not a lot though). there were nights i cried buckets and there were days i feel like dying. yes, it was hard but i got over it.. nearly. if there's one thing i learned from that experience, i never knew that i have that much strength to go on as if nothing happens. i go out, i laugh but everything is shallow. behind that smile is a woman crying. behind that carefree lifestyle is a woman too afraid to commit. and just when i realized that i am capable of loving or falling in love again, reality hits me. he can never be mine simply because he belongs to someone else.

i can only dream that somehow he is thinking of me and feeling the same way, too. but im not that cruel and selfish. i would not want him wanting me, even if he did.. i would not want that to happen. i once compromised my values for love, i wont let myself go through that again.

para kong sirang plakang paulit ulit na kino-kondisyon ang sarili na ok lang ako. na hindi ako mai-inlab sa kanya. the thought of it haunts me and it hurts when i saw him together with her, alone for the first time. i know its inevitable, sooner or later, i will have to face it. its a demon i created and its here haunting me. and i feel too helpless to face it. slowly, i know i am about to succumb to its madness. no matter how much i tried to resist its charm, my heart will fend off what my mind is saying and then i'll be doomed!

take me away from here.. but who would do that? he could but then again, a call from the other half would make him run away from me.

take me away from here.. im tired doing this cycle. im tired. i am.