just ranting...

i have been meaning to write this for a while. its not because i dont have the luxury of time to do it. heck! i have all the time. i just dont know where and how to start so i keep on postponing it.

i just feel tired.. moving on then going back to step one. i feel tired.. of adding you and deleting you and adding you again on my messenger.. if you're wondering which one are you now, yes, you've been added again. until when, i dont know. perhaps until i have the guts to delete you once again. i just hope that when i did, there's no more turning back. its the end. game over. for now, let me allow myself to see you online and torment myself.

friends asked me whether we're talking or whether we're friends again. yeah, we're talking sometimes. somehow, i cant control myself from talking to you. but are we friends, i dont know. im still pondering on that. do i wanna be friends with you? is that what i wanted? if i would listen to what my foolish heart is telling me, thats not what i want. you dont wanna know what it wants. i dont even wanna know what it wants.

you said you still like me... what was my reaction then? i cant remember.. but if you're wondering.. that statement alone has put me in limbo once again. and if thats one of your silly games then you succeeded and won.

you said you wanted to see me... how i wish i can see you now.. how i longed to see you.. if you ever wonder how i much i have missed you.. well, now you know.. i missed you this much..

you said one of the first things that you would do is to cuddle me... i also wanna feel your tight embrace once again. but i have to control myself from saying it. coz in the end i know i will just regret saying it. for i know that you're just saying it not to please me but to please yourself. please, the least you could do is to show some respect for me. i told you a thousand times. i am not like that. if it would make you feel better, i have never let anyone get close to me after you left not even when i was still going out.

for now, i'll just hug you tight in my dreams. because i know that us we're not real.
there in my dreams, i can say all the things i wanted to say without regretting anything.
there in my dreams, i can hold you tight and wrap you in my arms.
there in my dreams, i will shed no tears and feel no pain.